Sleep Baby Sleep

 

Last week I received a text from a new mama. She happens to be like a daughter and is one of my dauther's closest friends. She is in fact a first time new mama. Her texted asked if I could come and help her "sleep train" her new little 9 week old daughter.

For those who have grown up in my home and watched me mother, those requests are often. And even today a request came via text that I actually write a book about the "why" of teaching our infants to sleep. I have five children, all very different, but one thing they were not different on, is the times I lay them to rest their growing little bodies. Teaching each one to fall to sleep on their own.


I have been met with many negative comments over the years of my "sleep training" methodology. I was never one to let any of my babies cry it out, and I am a fan of a pacifier if any of my children wanted one, which was four of the five.  However I do believe if we learn the rhythm of our babies, and the timing of feeding and fussiness we learn to listen to what our babies really want. And in teaching a happy baby to rest, you are actually laying a happy baby down, who learns to sleep and then the end result is a happy baby waking up. And hosting play dates and mom groups on my home over the baby toddler years, moms were always amazed at how much my kids slept and how happy they were. Always, the mamas who were exhausted, not sleeping, and with sleepless infants saying that their baby was different. As I watched a fussy, crying, angry baby in their arms I would think, "oh sweet mama that little one is so exhausted and sleep deprived." One such mama allowed me to swaddle her 12 week old son. I gently rocked and sung as we all chatted away. And that infant went into sleep-land. His mama watched and started crying. She said she felt like a dumb mama who did not know her child. He had been on tummy drops the doter prescribed, as he was diagnosed with severe tummy issues. Told her son was not adapting to her milk, and she had him on formula. She had only been two weeks post nursing. I assured her she could get her mild production back. ( p.s. doctors get HUGE perks for promoting formula). I gave her about 3 days supply of my frozen breast milk and told her some of the "Mama Traub" secrets of learning her son's rhythms and guess what?  Her milk production came back. And in two weeks she had a sleeping infant who's awake time was happy.

I use to say I am, "five for five" with happy babies and babies who sleep through the night by 2 months. And if you have sleep trained your baby around a schedule you actually can plan a wonderful life with your children. I refused to succumb to the, "I have not slept in two years" because my baby does not sleep. I have come alongside those mama's, out of desperation and assisted many young mama's who are desperate for sleep. Over the years I have gone to strangers's homes to assist for a day or an afternoon evening. I am only sharing this today on my blog, because after two requests this week I am truly thinking maybe it is time to offer a different perspective of learning our baby's rhythms rather than showing up in a pediatricians office pleading for a remedy.

The other thing that has charged this blog today is sitting over a luncheon with a pediatrician a week ago. She is a very good doctor, but she does not own the clinic she works in. And here is the sad truth, as she explained it and I am paraphrasing here. ...A lot of clinics are losing a tone of money over insurance. So a high revenue source is pharmaceuticals. We are told almost every day, "prescribe, prescribe prescribe." She said the sad truth is parents are so sleep deprived from sleepless babies they are desperate for a remedy and prescribing a tummy med is a regular daily, several times a day prescription. Because parents do not want to hear or put the work into actually learning how to help their babies. She said, deep down of course parents want to help their babies, but rather than face the hard work a pharmaceutical is prescribed as I am instructed by those who work over me. She went on to say that 20-30 years ago, a pediatrician would sit down and help a new mom learn how to help their babies with excellent advice and those days are few and far.

As I listened I had to agree with her. My oldest is 31 and my youngest is 13. Not one of my children, as infants, were  prescribed a pharmaceutical as a remedy. As a matter of fact, well rested infants are healthier infants. All my kids ever had were well-baby check ups. The doctors were always asking how I keep my kids so healthy. My kids drank from hoses, never used hand santizer in public places, and even shared germs.  I had no secret remedy. I just learned by practical analysis that when I am sleep deprived my immune system does not function and I get sick. When I am sleep deprived I drag, and am not happy. When I am sleep deprived I can not think straight. When I am sleep deprived I am cranky and moody. When I am sleep deprived I do not even eat well.

As a young mama, with my first one I considered all these things and thus developed a personal program of training my kids to sleep well. And ALL, regardless of personalities were big time sleepers. Happy babies. Learned early, excellent students in school and no learning disorders as the habits of rest continued through out their primary grades. And to this day, now with grown children and teenagers three have never had a prescription in their life. And the other two, one who is deaf with cochlear implants, during surgery was given the obvious meds for surgery. And one who drank gasoline was given a hospital stay and meds for obvious reason.

As I write this blog i am going to break it down and maybe it may help one or two new mama's go off into motherhood with happy healthy babies. And happy healthy sleeping babies produce happy healthy sleeping mamas. And happy sleeping babies and mamas produce the most delightful parenting experiences you could imagine.

Professional ON

Last night I sat at dinner with the boys. We have this Mexican restaurant which is a favorite. They had lots to share after spending the day with their big brother and sister-in-love. I listened, asked questions and then asked them, "What did you learn today?  Did you learn anything new today?"  I admit it was the opening of a topic I wanted to share. I wanted to tell them what I learned. And in telling them I believed it would give some clarity to having a working mom.

I added this picture as this picture as a calming image of what it means to refuel.

For my entire life, and I do mean my entire life I have been told over and over that I have the energy of 5 people. And because I have been told that I always had grace for those who could not keep up with me. I thought, maybe there was something to my diet. I eat well. Or maybe it had to do with the fact that I typically get 8-10 hours sleep, which refueled and charged me up I thought maybe because I outwardly process life, schlepping of the stresses of the day. I have had many people actually ask me, "How do you have so much energy?"  I have said, "no" to anyone who ever wanted to sell my nutrition products. Because they boast that you will have more energy, sleep better and have improved health. I rarely get sick and have enough energy, and sleep well so I took a pass.

However I learned something very important this past week. It actually took me about ten months to learn this, but it was like BAM-BAM over my head. I finally understood. And as I began to share with my boys we all sat quiet and it made sense to them as well as I explained the "Professional On". 


I am going to start by telling the story of my first born son, Elliot. When he started school he loved it. He made friends easily, he had the typical struggles of learning, but once mastered built his confidences. Every day when he came home from school he went to his room. This rambunctious boy would sit at his desk for 1-2 hours every day and quietly build and play with his Legos. I would ask if he was okay. His father and I worried that maybe there was something going on at school. Yet Elliot was content. Then one day I did the parent helper in classroom thing. And I, as a first time mother, experienced the kindergarten classroom. After two hours of time helping out in class, I had to go home and sit on my bed in absolute quiet for an hour. As I lay on my bed, it hit me and I began to understand Elliot. Elliot made sense. He was in the environment 7 hours a day. He had to be "on" for seven whole hours. A six year old boy had to be on five days a week, six hours a day. I could not even handle two hours.  It was also after that day I thanked God for the decision to keep my kids out of daycare. To be in a room full of people every single day made me feel overwhelmed, and disturbed my mental piece.

As a business owner I have always had the blessing of having really good employees. Even as I began to wind down the brick and mortar of Skip To My Room I had good people working for me. ( Shout out to Lauren, McKenzie, Fred and Emily) People think as an entrepreneur you are running 24/7.  That was not me at all. I had my calendar and I scheduled meetings in blocks of time that allowed for lots of down time between meetings. Sometimes 2-3 days of down time. If I was working in my store. I may have been there from 10am-6pm, the store's hours, but I had people to cover the showroom, and at any given time I could go into a private office, close the door, kick my feet up and refuel. There were many days I would call into the store, ask how the day was going, and decide to work quietly at home. I was not "on" all those working hours. I could come and go as I pleased and even end the day at noon if I was feeling like it. Believe me I thank God every single day for the kind of business that allowed this, because I was able to leave, pick kids up from school and be done. If I decided to work at 10pm, a quiet house, kids in bed I could do just that.

What people never saw in me was that down time. Daily taking time to get away, be in a quiet space and refuel. As I reflect back over 28 years of being an entrepreneur there were many times of marathon working, but there was an end to projects. My kids have the fondest memories, as they tell me, of eating pizza and renting movies as I worked in the showroom after hours.  As a consultant you show up for the meetings, or the business trips, but always an end. And then days to refuel and regroup because I managed my own schedule. Being home with children all day is not the kind of "being on" I am talking about. I could decide to crawl out of bed and sit in the middle of the playroom with a cup of coffee while toddlers are using me for a human jungle gym. And still not be that "professional on". 

Yet in all my years I never understood where my mental and physical energy came from. And it was just this week I was able to put the pieces together.

For the past 10 months I have had a job commitment. Daily "Professional On". That job owns me about 30 hours a week. I have to be "ON" 6 hours a day. What is the result of that being "on"? I come home and crave quiet. I mean the sit quietly and refuel my brain. And I am exhausted as in tired like I have never been. The emotional and intellectual part of my brain is 100% on for six full hours daily. Oh sure I have had many many days of being tired after a long day. Traveling and putting on events for clients is typically a full four days and long hours commitment. But then you go back to your hotel room, and you sit in quiet. You order room service and you refuel for the next day. After the event, the meetings, the fast pace you are back on a plane and home. Kids go off to school and you have an entire day of being quiet, refueling and having that down time, or "off" time. This is what people never saw in me. That down time. That off time. Doing things that bring me balance. Like crafting, or wandering through antique or thrift stores, or reading. Reading 3-5 books a week.Being home, in the quiet of a house while children are in school.  There was no "Professional On" during these times.

This has been a brand new experience for my children. Mom is tired at the end of her work day which ends early afternoons. This mom has been "on" for six straight hours daily. I love my job. I mean I have been over the top blessed with this job and no one thought I would last 3 minutes with a long term commitment given my foot-loose and fancy free life-style. It is a new season in my career. And I love my work, but being on daily, every single day, six full hours has shown me something I was not even aware of. It had me reflecting back to my first son, and his coming home after being "on" all day at school and needing to take time to be alone, refuel, and a break from human interactions.

My kids have always had a mom with an abundance of energy. I was able to manage and balance my "on" and "off" times around my kid's schedule. When picked up from school, I may have put in a full day of work, but during that day there were many moments of down time for refueling. Thus allowing the after school activities with kids to be tackled with bursts of happy and positive energy.

I drove home from work yesterday and I started crying. Crying for every single mama I have ever known who worked a full 8-10 hour job and then picked up kids from daycare and had to still give as much as they had left to their kids. I can honestly say I could never have done that. I chose to keep my kids out of daycare. Having my own business has always allowed that. I could drop them off at school, work during their school hours, and be done whey I picked them up. My kids are older now. They are now experiencing the mom working away from home and coming home tired. As teenagers their need for me is different. They want me to sit and listen to their outward processes of their day, their thoughts and their ideas. I can sit and listen, and as I sit quietly I am secretly refueling. No diapers to change, or no feedins in the wee hours with a baby. How on earth do single moms work all day and come home to young little humans who need help with a sippy cup?

As we sat through our dinner, we talked about how they feel after being in situations where they are "on". Now being home-schooled, life is.... "easier and less stressed" "I feel like I can take my time and am really learning" "It's not that I did not like the people in my class, but most of them I would never choose to be around" ......and after all these years it made sense to all of us. Being "ON, the "Professional On" day in and day out is hard. No matter what age you are. Imagine right now being in a room with 20-30 people five days a week 6-8 hours a day. Whether your kids are in daycare or school, that is what they experience. I could not do that. I mean I am honest in saying, no matter how much I love people I could NOT do that.

Even with a job commitment I have been able to orchestrate my "off" time and my kids love it. I may not be watching the baseball game, but while one kid is watching baseball on TV I am just sitting and quietly refueling and having some kid bonding time. I now understand why my friends, who work full time, are keen on a night in rather than going out. The emotional energy it takes every single day is not one that I had never experienced until working daily for another person.  Not even a full day. My bosses are great. I can take an a break any time I want. They have said, "Where do you get all this energy?" I can run out to take care of personal matters if there is need, but the reality is I have a job commitment and regardless I am "on" 20-30 hours a week. And I never understood how I had so much energy. And the reality is I had a normal amount of energy, I was just able to remove myself, whenever there was a need, for a few hours to regroup and refuel. Something that is not an option when you work for someone else.

Every day I thank God for this job. I decided for the second half of my life to take on a new challenge and career path. Every day I thank God, that as a consultant I can, and am still able to take on new clients and work around a schedule that allows me to bring my best. My best is that "Professional On". God took me down a path of entrepreneurship. And that "Professional On" requires all of us to be 100% present. Present emotionally and intellectually.   That is ALOT of brain power going out daily. Give yourself grace if you are tired at the end of you day. Give yourself a pat on the back if you have been working for someone else your entire career. I have only been at this for 10 months and I can understand my family and friends so much better. And most importantly take time to refuel and regroup. On the days I have activities with the boys after work. I listen to my favorite music on the commute home. I listen to it loud and I sing at the top of my lungs.

I appreciate my family and friends so much. I appreciate that they all had to adjust to my working on someone else's schedule. Most importantly is taking the time doing something that gives you refueling time. As a single mom, it really is not the "mom's night out" that refuels me. It's the "mom's night in." I think I have a new blog post idea. I am certain it's been written a gazillion times. I think I will call it "Ten Ways To Refuel". I spent a career as an entrepreneur with balance. I may have a few good ideas in my back pocket. Stay tuned.

Accepting The Techy NEW normal.

I have a confession. A few Sundays ago while waiting for church to start I ordered my daughter's birthday presents on-line.  I looked to my right and my daughter-in-love was taking selfies with my youngest. It has been a hard road to accept this new normal in tech at your fingertips.

I realized during this church service that I was using my phone to look up the verses shared, and then to look up deeper meaning in an online commentary. I actually got more out of the message by answering some of the questions rattling around in my head by going to my phone and looking up deeper insights.  It turns out that I am getting better at accepting what has now been around for well over 10 years.

Why has it taken so long for me to NOT be offended that a phone interrupted my time with face to face meetings? I think the detest started with my daughter, who at the time was 16 years old and texting was introduced. She started dating someone and she sat in one spot in the family room for over an hour texting with this young man. I mean how do you have a conversation without actually using your voice-box?. "Oh mom, you need to get with the times." I honestly recall her saying something like that. That was over 12 years ago.

The texting thing led to dinner table rules of "No phones at the table" which led to that wonderful thing of calling your phone service provider and asking that that texting feature be removed from my daughter's phone for three months. I was not about to let my daughter go down this path of disconnecting with human souls. That is what it seemed like to me 12 years ago.

I am an older mom raising young teen boys in the fancy phone culture. None of my boys have their own phones. I am not that popular around here. They do have access to some of my older phones and get phone time. I admit I love that the sports enthusiast can watch games on his phone. And learning to play cribbage with an app. And I love face-timing with my kids, and we do have specific rules which so far comes with some grumbling. I am okay with that,too.

Here is what I do not understand. When parents say they can not get their kids off their phones. It's pretty easy. Take the phone, hide it and insist that rules are to be kept or phones are taken. I had one kid go three months without a phone. It was pretty easy. Argue with me over your phone and you lose a week. Keep arguing and you lose even more time. I have been a little more flexible during vacations and holiday seasons but the bottom line is mom is charge of it all. I have their social media passwords and at any given time mom can take the phones. And the kids have learned to comply with the rules.

It really is not a "new normal" if you are under the age of twenty. This is your only normal, but for us older folks it does take a little getting use to.

And who does not love a good selfie of your kids when the sneak your phone. I love those goofy pictures and can say with confidence we have figured out how to navigate as a family. It has come with some struggles, but overall nothing makes my heart happy than to be tucking kids into bed who are reading books because when all is said and done, the phones are turned off and life still does have the old normal lingering.

I think I will write a post on five ways to stay connected with your kids. As I am happy to say my kids allow me to comment on their social media sights. They are not embarrassed of my sharing and I may be a bit more hip than most when it comes to teenagers and phones.

Happy New Year 2018

I am not starting the new year out as well as I had hoped. The flu bug that is ravaging many I know hit me. I think I have my sister Suzanne to thank for this. However after a wonderful post Christmas vacation in her home, I would carry the weight of the flu all over again for the fun we all had.

I have just spent the better part of two hours sitting at my desk and telling my body to, "be well and overcome this sickness." And then I look over at Eric who is not feeling well and I think..."dang this flu bug." When your head is foggy and you ache and have a fever it's easy to think it's the end of the world. Reality is I have sat here for two hours cleansing the old, and in with the new. And thinking about how 2017 is a reminder of God's amazing love for me and my family.

 I have been writing thank you notes. Not the kind you write after gift giving. Writing thank you notes to people and families who have walked out 2017 with me. The hardest year in my life and I can sit here today and thank God for each and every person who boldly stepped out to help carry the burdens of this past year and hung close to our family. Our family is so very blessed. I mean the kind of blessings where you sit for two hours and could write for days to thank people for staying the course. I could shout out names from a mountain top, but if you are reading this, you most likely are one of those people. Thank you.

Now into 2018 we go. And if you are reading this and know our family you know that we are a very strong unit. We have always be a close knit family and even with the events of this last year that has not changed.

As we venture into a new year it's easy to look back and feel all those pains and sadness all over again. I am not a look-backer. I look to the future with a a hope that comes in knowing that God knows all of 2017 and He will sustain and care for me and my family in 2018.

As I recover from the flu-bug and continue to sit at my desk there are three words I look to the future with.

Restore Rebuild Release

These are important words and words that come with great meaning as I look to God's word. Watch how God shows up to restore, rebuild and release. He has got 2018 in his hands. May your 2018 be one where you meet God in new and wonderful ways.

Happy New Year.  

Love Never Fails

Some days we wake up tired. We think we have failed because we did not have the perfect breakfast, or the hot cocoa when we promised. Then love steps in, and we are reminded that when there is love, even what we think are small failures mean nothing more to our children than just a fleeting moment. They know love is not measured in green eggs & ham.

 As single parents we work hard. The blessing of having my kids in my space after school. Their friends coming to play and being able to kiss mama when the day is done. Working. Have I failed my children? Of course not. I have been blessed as an entrepreneur to be present in the raising of my five children. Even with a tired face, from working all day there are kisses on the house. Love never fails.

Selfies, we take lots. For those who have raised children before phones with cameras we were the one's behind the camera. I have very few pictures with my first two children as I was always taking the pictures. That one single thought of turning a camera around and including oneself never occurred. Now my children will always be able to say, "oh and that is my mom the picture." Love never fails.

Love never fails. When your teenagers allow you in their selfies it's a win not a failure. I am truly blessed for the friendships I have with my children. They know our story of hard, easy and inbetween and because of the love we share, we  are all still here.

Dear Parents,
Our children know the difference between stuff, time and love.  They may beg for all the stuff. But I can tell you one thing is for sure. My grown children thank me more for the time, and expression of love more than any stuff they ever had. That time earns us the right as parents to speak into our children. When love steps in, it will never fail.

The Generous Heart of One Family

In this post I want to share the generous heart of one family. A family I do not know. Yet God prompted to write a check on the precise day I cried out to God.

It was October 15th when my three boys were removed from my daily care. It was a law that a judge had to abide by. Even in his own words stating, "this is NOT in the best interest of the children I have to abide by the letter of this law." And my kids moved an hour and a half away from. The events took it toll on me. It was hard on all of us. It was breaking my heart in half. My work had suffered during the months leading up to court cases and representing myself over and over with no means to hire an attorney.

The very next day after the boys were removed from my daily care I cried out to God for even more help. The kind of crying of, "Dear God how I am going to see my boys. I can not even buy gas to drive into town let alone an hour and a half away."  God has always provided just enough. AND in my desperation my heart breaking over not being able to go and visit my boys.

Have you had prayers and cries of desperation?  I know we have all been there. It is hard and we know is having walked with God that there will, no doubt, be hard times. And in those hard times we are called to  "consider it all joy" and well joy, tears, and heartbreak get all mixed up.

I made myself get up and go to church that next morning. I could not imagine being around people. I sat where the boys and I always sit, the front row. Worship poured and cleansed my broken heart. I took notes on a message that could help. I made myself stand up. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I felt that if I stayed in bed and cried then the enemy had won. I asked God to get me up and out the door.  The enemy will not have my family. And I WILL stand in church praising and worshiping God. There was a call to come forward and be prayed over and I have no idea how my legs took me those few steps forward but I went and prayer came that morning. God penetrated my heart with hope.

Later that evening one of the young men in the Cone home, Tyler, handed me a piece of paper. It was a check. A member of his church wanted to do something. Wanted to help.  It was enough money to pay for gas for the next 3 months to go and visit my boys. They could not have known the timing of this check or the prayers of my heart. They felt God's leading and generously gave to our family Not one dollar was wasted. God provided in way that came from a stranger. My heart completely humbled.

What is challenging your faith? What are you not seeing? God is working on your behalf. It may not be as tangible as a check. But the check was yet another way God answered prayer. God answered prayer that day by helping me to have the courage to get out of bed and take my broken heart to the cross. God answered prayer  that day by blessing my broken heart through worship and praise. God answered prayer by bringing people to pray over me. All not easy AT ALL when less than 23 hours earlier your children have been taken from you.

The generous heart of this family was really the ending of a day filled with God's care and blessings. Look for God's care for you. It's there and HE is there to carry you.

God's Faith Building Moment Comes From the Sky

It was a very tough week. It was late summer of 2016. It was the kind of week where you decide to grab some overnight bags, load the kids in the car and go somewhere fun. We were on summer vacation and it was time for some vacation. One thing is for sure. We LOVE roadtrips and we love being together.

Within minutes of being in the car, we were singing to Cold Play, and laughing over silly things. I was thankful that God had put on my heart to just go, without a plan. We had a destination of Seattle fun. Being with family and friends. All things my boys love doing. All things to distract us of harder things.

One morning while on this adventure we decided to drive down to the water front in Port Orchard. We then decided to take the walking Ferry to the other side and look at the big ships. It was just an easy morning to get out and play, be on the water and distract ourselves from the hard stuff left back home.

I wore one of my summer outfits with my darling shoes. The kind of shoes that are good for about two hours of walking. And based on the morning's plan that was the extent and thus I wore these darling shoes.

Once on the other side of the bay, we decided to take the bigger Ferry into downtown Seattle. Whoa I am wearing my "only walk for about two hours"shoes. Not my "walk all day" shoes. Come on!!!  Tell me I am not the only who knows her shoes well. The shoes I was wearing had produced the biggest blister months earlier after walking all over the Portland waterfront. Now heading the the Seattle waterfront I already had a blister forming. Not again.

Once on the big ferry I went to the kiosk asking if they had a band-aid. I was asking strangers if they had a band-aid. No one could find me single band-aid.  I was fearing the end of the day with these silly shoes on.

While we were on the ferry to Seattle our family was in a heavy discussion on why God does not just answer our prayers when we want Him to. Why does there have to be pain and suffering in this world? Why would God even allow this stuff?  Once we got off the ferry the conversation continued. Meanwhile I am still on a hunt for a band-aid. Then I got the idea of how to help my kids understand God just a teeny bit more using the lack of a band-aid experience.

I explained that God always provides.I explained that God's timing is always better than our timing or our demands.   I explained that sometimes God gives us glimpses of HIM working in our lives as a faith building moment. Like..."hey I am working this out for you, and here is a bit of proof."  That example is often so tangible you know it came directly from God. I then explained that sometimes God just does not show himself to us unless HE knows we need to be reminded that he is working out things on our behalf. I said that my shoes were causing me a blister. And do you really think that God would just drop a band-aid out of the sky when I already knew I should not wear these shoes. I said that God might do that if he needed to remind us that HE truly is in the middle of our circumstances. Just then the 5 year old looked up. And then all six of us were looking up. And there floating out of the sky was a perfectly  wrapped band-aid. Did you read that? A band-aid blew through the air and landed right in front of me.

We all freaked out. I mean really freaked out. God had a faith building moment that came from the sky. I went over to a bench and sat down to unwrap and adjust this band-aid. I started weeping. Thanking God for having my back. Thanking God for helping me explain to my kids, that even in all this hard stuff, God is caring for us. A band-aid fell out of the sky. A story my kids will never forget. Truly God is the the smallest parts of our lives.

A side note this event is that my fourteen year old attending a summer youth camp the following week.  During cabin time he shared this story. The next morning my oldest son, a youth pastor at this camp, called telling me that Ethan was telling crazy stories during cabin time. I assured him that the story was very much true to how it was shared. God using this story to share with others of HIS faithfulness.

And that is one faith building moment from the sky. Thank you Lord Jesus. And those shoes....well they have been tucked away for good.

What if your last year was your best year in your worst year ever?

 My son Ethan asked me what has been, "the best year of your life mom?  I mean the best year of your life ever."

It might be easy to look back on 2016 and think that things can only be better after having what seemed to be my worse year of my life. What if your last year was your best year in your worst year ever?  Think about that for a moment. Your best year came through the worst circumstances EVER!!  So how can we begin to think that 2017 will be better?

I did not know that my light could shine in the deepest darkness I have ever faced. Yet in this tunnel of hurt God has shown himself to me in ways I have never known. God has taken my heartache and pain and has used it to show me more of his love and grace for me. Tenderly opening my heart through more tears than four oceans could hold and showing me Himself. Showing me through others that He truly has a deep love and care for me. More people,in this past year, have come up to me and told me what a joy and light I am in this world. Strangers, check out ladies at the store. "There is something about you that just shines." "You have brightened my day." "What is it about you that makes you smile?" It's hard to think and wrap my brain around so I will try to dissect a bit more.

You ARE my Family!!  Family is very important to me. Not only those in my immediate family, but those who walk through my front door of my home or business are considered part of the family. I appreciate my mom. As a kid she welcomed EVERYONE in her space with conversation and sweetness.  With five kids there have been 100's of kids through my home. Their parents, their teachers and playgroups and mom groups. My home always open. I am not one who stressed over unexpected company. I am not one who quickly swept the floors and stuffed dirty laundry in closets. What you see is what you get. And God, knowing my heart for family, has given me family through friends over the past 50 years. Yes 50 years. As I sip from a mug of encouragement. A coffee mug sent from a dear friend, Angie, who I have known since 2nd grade. Encouraging me through this hard season by sending me a mug. When family was divided up and taken away, God surrounds me with HIS family. And there is joy at that dinner table.

I have had to learn in this hard season that in aligning my heart with God my identify is to be in HIM alone. I walked this faith since I was six years old. I have had things given and taken away. But my kids, really God?  Life steps in with the hardest circumstances. Circumstances that are not from and of God. Circumstances born out of anger, fear and confusion. None of which are from God. Oh but friends what do we know of God. He makes all things beautiful in his time.  Taking my hardest year of my family, my kids taken from me and what does God up and do. He pours family back into me through my hardest year.

I am one of those kids who was taken from her own home as a young girl. Put into the foster care system, brought into a wonderful family, and decided when I was young that no one person would ever feel left out, alone or without family. And here I was, a judges order. He had to follow the "letter of the law". Geography before this messy stuff. I understood it and the law is the law. It was not my parenting, or mothering, but no matter the law family was upset, changed and taken. Over the steps of my life I have poured into and given with a heart of joy, love and care as best as I can in hard circumstances.  Given because that is how God wired me. And then the most important little people that I have given to are taken from me. My three boys. A decision a judge had to make. "Status Quo".  The judge had to rule on the letter of the law. And my heart breaking. Hardest year of my life. Perhaps in looking back my best year. How is that possible?

Today it is Thursday January 26th, 2017. And guess what HE is making all things beautiful to me today. the God of the universe cares for me. I am still without two of my children. Today with a sweet visit from a friend God speaks to me so loudly that I am sitting here writing. Identity and purpose.Confidence in who I am. Confidence in my identity in a God who knew all this. He's been here before. I am not HIS only daughter to cry over the loss of little people.Twenty-Nine years of being a mom. Waking up to little sillies.

It felt like my identity was raped from me. My identity as a mom. Mom to my kids. Mom to the friends of my kids. A loving mother's heart to every kid God brings into my space. The very heart of my purpose in life taken like a thief in the night.  Apart from God this might seem like a weird and strange blog post. So let me explain it this way. What gives you purpose?  What esteems who you are? What wakes you up every morning and puts a smile on your face?  What separates you from the rest of the crowd? Your purpose. The cause of living that God designed in you, guided in you and made you to build your life passions around. My purpose for 29 years. Mothering.

The first day I found out I was pregnant with Elliot I vowed to God that I would be the best mother I could be. With the next four children I vowed the same. I vowed that I would never compromise my mothering for other things. I would not grow my kids up in daycare. I would would be present. I would see that they had music lessons. ( A void I felt as a young girl who loved music) I vowed that I would listen to the heartbeat of their interests and build life around being a mother and nurture each child individually with their interests. Creatively seek out opportunities to grow each child up with a balance of spiritual, intellectual, physical, social and emotional growth and development.  It's my calling and God provided in ways for me to be that present mom.

I worked hard at keeping my kids in the middle of my work. I had this creative side to me that was bursting. So I took my skills into retail and started my own business. My kids telling stories of growing up in the middle of that store. A store that afforded help, so I could continue to be present in my kids lives before and after school.  I have appreciated all that I have had in being a mom. It has not always been easy. Even able to sit on a floor for hours and teach my deaf child to speak and articulate words. Seeing his personality and driving force to never be left out of this hearing world I was going to see that he could function. My mothering gave me purpose.  With all the challenges we face as mothers I can say that I have always had absolute joy in mothering. Biblical parenting and embracing God's word in teaching my children in the ways they should go. My purpose.

Then one day a court decision took my children from me. I was no longer planning meals, making lunches, teaching my kids to cook, play-dates, looking into backpacks for uneaten lunches, and important papers scrunched up, and homework folders to review and sign. I was no longer trying to figure out math homework, or rereading reports. I was no longer listening to the sweet voices of my children reading. I was no longer faced with mountains of laundry or mismatched socks or wondering how one family can go through so many towels in one week. I was no longer checking my watch for that time school got out and I would put a sign on my shop door to dash out to pick kids up. I was no longer met with kids who walked from school to my store after school. I have a snack drawer still full because no kids are in my shop needing after school snacks. No more text messages from other moms checking to see if their kids are with my kids or scheduling plate-dates.   Many friends over the years allowing their own children to have play-dates in a kids shop which they loved. Missing sounds of their chatter, their laughter or boys fighting over who sits in the front seat. Or boys freaking out because someone farted, or someone is breathing to loud.  There was no longer those daily deep profound conversation with my kids. Helping shape their own opinions, desires and dreams. No play-dates to schedule. No special one on one mom dates at random. Sitting quietly. All is quiet. The evenings quiet. The drives are quiet. My brain of being organized and ready for what was next, the unexpected that happens with kids was no more.    My purpose yanked by one decision. My family taken with one court decision. 

For the first time in 29 years as a mother I have faced a pain that is UN-explainable. I could not have imagined the impact this would have on my life. I have said that it's strange. Tears just start falling out of my face when I am alone doing things I have ALWAYS done with my kids. Simple things like grocery shopping. Or handing Emerson the keys to pen the mailbox. Or Eric and I planning dinner and all the kids cooking together.  I have faced a host of hurt over the years. Our hards may not look the same but we all face them and this IS hard.  Nothing in life has ever had tears pouring out of my face daily. Nothing has ever fought so hard to rob me of my joy than to have my purpose and identity taken. A mother. My calling. The calling to be a mom. the calling God put on me to be present in raising my children.

And then in 2016 God wraps his arms of love around me through friends in ways I have never known. It was my turn to accept. It was a my turn to be given to. It was God's time to show me the best year of my life, 2016. The best year in understanding HIS family. The family of God, the family of friends, the family of hearts who care, the family of doing and helping. The family of life that expands all the way back to being born.  Every single day of this journey God has provided someone to speak into me. To remind me of who I am in HIM.  God showing me and reminding me that my joy and identity are in HIM. Not being a mother. Not being a business owner. In Him alone. In my worst year ever my eyes have been opened wider to the divine love God has for me and for my family. I thought I was doing what I was suppose to be doing. In all of my doing, I found success on many levels of my life. Yet alone and by myself my time with God was in fact the best year of my life. My greatest success is walking with a God who knows. Writing in my journal, sometimes 2-3 times a day of how HE showed up through family, friends and strangers to care for me and to care for my boys. This long season of being quiet and listening. A very long period. And anyone who has just one child knows the unending noise and chatter. All is silent.

It may have been one of my hardest years, but in my walk with God it has been one of my best years.

When we face the hardest moments in life it's easy to be bitter, angry and mad. But each day I wake up and I have had to say, "Okay God, today show me." Show me how to keep loving those who have hurt me. Show me how to smile and be joyful. Show me how to wake up and serve others that this season would not be wasted. Show what is next. Show me how to grieve. Show me how to be quiet. Show me how to understand your Word. Show me what to read in your Word. Show me how to accept the love and care others have to give me. Show me how to be humble. Show me how to ask. Show me how to walk close to you through the hardest year of my life. Show me how to walk this out with grace. Show me how to walk this out with honor and integrity.   I don't know what God might show me and I have to admit I did not always know how to pray, but just to empty the thoughts from my head at HIS feet. And what happens.

God shows me. God shows me what family looks like when my family is taken away. God shows me how to pour into my children an example of love when others are hurting us. God shows me how to accept that laughing and joy are OKAY when we are hurting. God shows me how to serve others by dropping me smack dab in the middle of a family that I could love and serve. Oh he not only showed me but HE showed up. He gave me a season of quiet. And the words of the Bible, God's word have been my prayers. My writing out scripture when I have no thoughts of my own to pray. And God has shown me what true love is all about. What true love looks like and it has nothing to do with candy hearts and chocolates. It has everything to do with family and friends crossing over every part of my life showing up to come alongside. And it brought me to a place of humility to accept the love and care. God has given me a heart of grace. Praying for those who have hurt me. Accepting this season and if 2016 was not my best  year than I do not know what to say.

The story, my story is still being written.  And as God shows up through each of you, you have become part of a story that God already knew about. He has included YOU in giving me the best year of my life 2016.

"I know that my Father knows, and I am going to watch and see how He unravels this."

Not sure of who wrote that quote, but I have it written on a piece of paper at my desk.

What if your last year was your best year in your worst year ever? 

What if you are reading this and you think...oh LORDY this God stuff. What is it with God? The God of the universe. Our creator. Does he really exist what is this girl talking about?  This next year I will be sharing the daily moment when I had a need and provisions were made. Because I do not believe in coincidences.  I do not believe in strokes of good luck. I believe that there is a God who loves me, cares for me and knew exactly what HE could use to teach me more of his love for me. We live in a broken world where bad things happen. God can use those things to bring us closer into his love and care. He certainly has done that with me which is exactly why I had my best year in the worst year of my life. 

Pine-Cone & Bottle-Cap Parenting

Let's face it, parenting is hard. It's not always easy to be creative with how we discipline our children. Working daily to pour enriching life lessons and wisdom.  No matter how society would like to think kids should be raised, the reality is YOU get to make the decisions that are going to grow your kids into caring, kind, responsible, and loving adults.

#ParentingIsHard #ParentingIsEasy #ParentingIsShowingUp

I am on my 3rd teenager. I managed to grow the first two up into their, now, late twenties.  We are great friends and today those kids laugh, chuckle and tell stories of "mom" and how I handled their teenage moments.  There is a mutual respect and love for my older two as grown up humans. The badge of honor as a mother is when others know your grown children, and then come to you and tell you what great kids you have. Thank you Elliot and Emily for honoring me as your mother by being caring, loving, and responsible grown ups.

Now onto to teenager number three. He is no different than the first two. His opinions are now strong and he owns them.  We were on a car ride yesterday with a young man I have watched grow up from the age of four to twenty-six.  Conversations between all four boys in the car.  Ethan has an opinion, I have an opinion that differs from his. The challenge of trying to get the other person to share your opinion begins with every teenager known to mankind. It's a very good thing, but as a parent requires direction, and this young 26 year old man says, "Ethan, your mother has an opinion that is different than yours. Do you think arguing with her is going to change her opinion?  Or if she were to argue with you, would that change YOUR opinion?"  That was some amazing wisdom and questions from a twenty-six year old who happens to be the middle of child of his big family. Ethan pondered and the course of what could have been an argument turned into dialogue over our differing opinions.

Teenagers have opinions, and we as parents can embrace them.  Allow that opinion, ask more questions as opinions are formed and still maintain our own.  There are no offenses with being an individual who experiences the world differently. Emily, when she was fourteen years old worked hard on trying to get me to agree that the sky was gray not blue.  I finally said, "You are correct, through the lenses of your eyeballs tis the color you see."

Now the real meat of this post. Distractions from the energy of a fourteen your old who is board. He was board and wanted something to do. Somehow I convinced him it would be worth his time to go on a scavenger hunt.  A game I use to play when all the kids were little. Hide things all over the house, and then for forty-five minutes they would go hunting. And for forty-five minutes I could sit and sip my coffee.  Yesterday I re-introduced the scavenger hunting idea. Boys were at the store, homework was finished and now what?  I could not remember my password to Netflix.  Which all the kids have great memories from over 25 years of being in my store getting to watch a movie if homework was done.  Today I had to dig into my basket of creative distractions.

I simply said, go outside and find a bottle cap, a stick shaped like a "Y" and four pine-cones. It was just as random as that with no thought. The fourteen year old dashed out of the building. Off he went. And later returned with these...exactly as the picture is. It was fun, it was silly, and it brought back happy times of being a young boy. Parents, sometimes it's those memories from the past, that remind our kids how much we truly do love and care for them.  I am still chuckling that he did this and loved it. Now he did want to be paid for his findings, but that is another subject for another post. Happy pine-cone and bottle cap parenting.

Parents and Mentors

Dear Parents and Mentors to Young People (18+) And Growing Up,

Our kids are going to grow up. Those kids who sit in our homes processing big life decisions. In that growing up period we need to be there for them when they want us to be. We need to know when to fade in and fade out. We can not hold them captive to the secrets of their past.   In our attempts to try and control them, it only reveals our own insecurities.  If we have done a good job, they truly do hold God close to their hearts and seek His will not our will.

Our hands, our hearts and our homes must remain open with no strings attached.  They will begin to grow their confidences apart from us. They will view the world different than we ever did, and in that view we can embrace them, listen to them, and show up when asked.  It is not our job to always impart our amazing life experiences and wisdom. It is our part to teach them and guide them through important decisions when asked using Biblical and sound guidance. It is our job to teach confidence in their decisions, a boldness in Christ and most important a dependence on Christ and not us.  This is not parenting advice, or a "this is how you do it"
,this is an attempt to wake up those who need to have these young people in your life for no other purpose than your own agenda's. Your own insecurities that are soothed by the need a young person places on you.  Then when that young person grows into his or her own, we clammer and try to hold on tightly. Tightening the strings that are there, yet so many don't want to admit they are there.

Continue to pour into these young lives.  Continue to invite and embrace.  These young people owe us nothing.  As they strengthen, become more confident and bolder and let go, they come on their own.  They continue to show up and those relationships are beautiful and pure.  They walk up your drive unexpectedly and ask for some time to chat.  They sit around your kitchen counter and want to bring their friends along too.  They begin to speak in ways that as you wash the dishes with your back to them, you smile, even drop a few tears because you know your job is done and there is a life long friendship.

And then things do change. They begin to invite you in.  They want you there for important events, and a coffee date to catch up, a hug in passing and an embrace that says this.  I love you so much for allowing me to grow up under your care and mentoring.  They grow up into independent and amazing people.   

Count your blessings that they chose you to walk close for a season. Count your blessings that they are confident and bold and walk closely to Christ.  And if they don't continue to pray when there is a parting.  Sometimes we speak truth and they will run away fast.  Sometimes our own imperfections are going to distract because sometimes those whom we parent or mentor hold us to standards that we are not able to meet.  That is okay too.  When you know your heart, your intentions God takes care of those times too.


Encouraging both my sisters and brothers in Christ who are blessed to have young people coming around often.  YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!

Journals from a Young Mom

If you follow my blog, you may recall me writing a time or two that I have journal ed since I was 14 years old. Some years more than other years. I encourage everyone to pick up a pen and paper and get writing. Pulling these dusty books on back shelves will have me sitting on the floor for hours reading and realizing how much I have forgotten, but also how much God has done in my life. As this is Emily's birthday month I came across this entry. From the heart of a 25 year old mom:

Monday June 24Th, 1991

Dear Father,
I am sure there are many mothers in town who can thank you and smile at the messes their preschoolers make. A valuable lesson was learned this morning. Bless Emily's heart and her sweet intentions to please...a few examples...
-Carried bowl to counter and dropped it, big mess
-Pushed a chair up to the sink to help with dishes, suds and water everywhere
-Wanted to peel her own banana, peel and banana all over the floor which I stepped on
-Pulled all her clothes out of the drawers to dress herself
-Pulled all the clean dish towels out of the drawer to clean up water and suds
Okay one important detail here, this all occurred before 9:00am. My frustration level was beginning to peak, but a silent prayer of patience was quickly answered, thank you God.

I enjoyed watching Emily work with me to clean up each mess. We did it together and togetherness is a valuable word in this family. Emily will continue to help out over and over and over and over I will have to practice patience. That building of patience may be needed later on down the road. So I smile in my heart and thank you dear Jesus for answering my prayer as you tenderly mold me and shape me into the mother I am to be to my children, Amen

What I did not know at this time in my mothering is that Emily, out of all my children would be the mess maker and each mess coming out of extreme acts of creativity. That patience in practice as a young mom has truly helped me over the years. I just laugh over the "mess" factor because we laugh even now over the mess she makes even when baking in the kitchen, working on little projects, and even when she takes time to spend with her brothers she gets them involved in some kind of cool project with a trail of a mess. Today I don't get so rattled and truly she was breaking ground in what was to come...three boys.

Again, Pie Sweety if you are reading this know that I have embraced you mess and all.