Can I just be real? Okay thanks. Not that I needed any permission, but wanted to voice it anyway. I cry a lot. I am not sure what a lot means, but my heart does not know how to accept the Divine mercy, grace, blessings, and joy that come through my life every day. It's a gift that knowing our Lord Jesus has given me. Do I cry because I feel undeserving? Sometimes. Do I cry because the emotions of joy so overly exceed my capacity to understand it all? Sometimes.
Salvation is about wholeness. Wholeness from that which was broken. What was broken for me? Everything. Started with parents who were broken, a broken home, broken hopes, broken dreams, broken bike, broken washer (yesterday) If Salvation is about becoming whole do I recognize that wholeness that comes into my life daily? I think I do. I beg to see Him everyday. When God shows up in ways that I know are of Him and about Him I cry.
This past weekend I was up a resort with about 70 college/twenty something-ers. I was cooking, and cleaning up and working alongside some young ladies that every single moment with them blessed my heart. Blessed me to see them serving others, serving each other and even serving me. I cried. Why? To think that God saw me worthy to hang with these "kids" and that I may have something to offer. Perhaps just good food, or a mother's ear, or a prayer, comfort to a confused heart. All of the above. His Divine mercy, grace, and joy I am worthy of. So in my quiet times, alone praying, my heart is not so heavy with pains, but with the understanding of who God is and wants to be in my life. The blessings He freely gives. The tears fall easily.
I cry watching my daughter lead worship sitting on stool among her peers. Knowing I may not have the best resume for a mother, her life is not about me and my short comings. Her life is about loving and serving God and using her gift of music to bless others. Yet I cry, knowing that God placed this young woman in my womb, the doctors wanted me to terminate the pregnancy with her because of gross complications, but God trusted my decision to raise her up to know and love Him if He would choose her for healing and He did. I cry to know that her life was one He needed and in my understanding of wholeness I would not repeat the broken parenting I received. My decisions as a parent could be different because He heals the broken.
I cry when David walks in the door each evening. Why? He and I are working on our marriage together. Really God? You love me that much to know my hearts desire. You "gave ear to my prayers oh God and in casting my burden upon You, You heard" (Psalm 55:22) So we smile at each other, work together, and finding our way in marriage, parenting, health and I see God working in David's heart. And then the tears fall just a little.
I worship God in a way that sometimes makes other uncomfortable. It's not my intentions, but I can not keep quiet, even in my tears I have to share of His Glory in the daily things. I tell my friends that I want to be that old lady walking down the street talking to God, and those looking on will smile at "that crazy old lady who loves Jesus".
I am writing this today, because I cried today at Target. Not heavy whaling, but tears slowly falling as I wandered the store with Emerson. Emerson chatting a mile a minute about his world. He stopped his flow of words, looked over at me and said "mama God is so special to my heart". I cried. Because God is not just so special to his little heart, but God is special to my heart too. God is showing Himself in the precious heart of a four year old who openly shares his thoughts.
What Emerson did not know, is that as we were walking, I was silently praying that Emerson would grow up to love God is such a deep and special way, and then that little guy speaks from his heart. God showed me, through Emerson that He's got Emerson covered and Emerson gets it. So again, the joy of walking with Christ weakens my knees, and those tears of complete love and surrender fall.
Do you recognize that Wholeness in your own life. That God does show up every single day. Do you cry sometimes? Overwhelmed to know that He is giving to you those blessings, joy, mercy and grace? I am glad that my heart is sensitive to His touch in my life and on my heart.
Take inventory of just today how God is present and working in your life. Grab a tissue and let the tears fall in complete surrender of Him.
Blessings, Dear Friends