Take a moment to read this. It got my heart stirring and thinking and well I have put new meaning to some of my actions. Actions that I truly believed were honorable. Actions that I believed had good intentions, but then in reading her blog I landed on some heavy feelings in my heart. I asked God to expose in my heart what that heaviness was and is. Rebellious Grace. I am not sure how that can be defined for you, but it truly had clarity for me in a way that God exposed.
Some may say that I am an extrovert. Okay, most would say this about me. I am, and have always been one of those people that can easily overcome that daunting feeling of walking into a room when you know not one person. I had a conversation with my sister in law years ago over how she perceived my steady disposition in a crowd. My ability to engage and chat with people. I told her this, "I am scared to death when I do this." She did not believe me. The truth is I truly am scared to death. I am not so good with fashion, does my hair look okay, am I going to stumble on words? (wounds from my past of having a terrible lisp and speech impediment that kids made fun of.) I imagine my extrovert way of dealing with these kinds of insecurities is to just step in boldly and start asking questions. Asking questions keeps me from having to talk a whole lot, and ultimately I can gauge my comfort level with a person.
This blog dealt with a different issue. The issue of relating to someone you clearly know and who clearly chooses to ignore you in a group of people. You know, you catch their eye and for some reason they do not acknowledge you. Here is where Elizabeth's Rebellious Grace comes in. Rather than accept that there may be a known or unknown issue I extend "grace". What does that "grace" look like. I am an extrovert, so no matter how uncomfortable it may feel or be I just step and say, "hello" or "how are you". Now, there I have opened the door for grace and my intentions have been, no matter what the issue may be, I am going to love on this person with love and "grace". Back up Elizabeth. Why? Why, would I feel the need to step into a situation when I am not really wanted? I was ignored. This person has an issue with me. Since I do not know what the issue is then why should I be left out, or stand at a distance or even allow her issue to become mine.
My Rebellious Grace is not out of love or the kind of grace God calls us too. Mine is about being selfish with how I am feeling in the moment and basically my statements of "hi" and "how are you" are not out of true concern, but more of..."take that dear person who can't address the issues. I can, and for that reason, you have no control in my life to have me hiding in the background." Really? Do I really put all that thought into. No I have not.
Rebellious Grace, for me is stepping in with the hope of resolution when someone else is not ready. I am gun-hoe and able to shrug off whatever it may be. Is that grace for the other person? No, absolutely not. Grace is recognizing there is an issue and then quietly stepping away. Not catching the other person off-guard, especially in a group. Grace is sensing and discerning through the Holy Spirit's guidance when to fade in or fade out and being confident and secure in that guiding. Grace is coming alongside that person when the moment and time is right and having one on one dialogue to clear up the issue, the misunderstandings. Grace as my friend described in her blog is making that decision to fade out and being secure it that.
Extroverts are mostly understood to be strong and confident people. However it often masks bigger issues that we are not even aware of. The bigger issue for me is to have immediate resolution, and I can control that by stepping in boldly with conversation. Sounds good and well, but for me it is really my insecurity in not knowing how to fix or make it comfortable for both parties.
I don't have many situations like this. So I am not going to beat myself up for not doing this with you know..grace. I am teachable. When I feel a heaviness on my heart over just reading a blog I have to ask God what that is all about. The words that dropped into my brain were Rebellious Grace. I don't want the love and grace I extend to ever be out of rebellion. I want it to be from the Holy Spirit, authentic and poured out. Thanks Lord Jesus for opening my eyes to the rebellions in my heart. For showing me, through the words and heart of another that there is so much more for me to learn in this life. Blessings, Elizabeth