To Move Unsteadily

This past month my heart has been teetering.  I can't come up with a better word, so I am choosing that one. Teetering on what?  First just for clarity...teeter means:  to move unsteadily.Just ask my husband who has sat under my rambles, my tears, and my unknowns.   For years I have had projects to work on, kids to raise, and a home to keep in some kind of order.  All important rolls for me, all things that I have enjoyed and poured my heart and soul into.  Things I cherish.  Such as my appointments with my children. Eric and I meet in the living room almost every afternoon at 4:15pm. He unpacks 3-5 books chosen from school, and we snuggle in to read. Reading has not come easy for him, and I have enjoyed our times to help him with reading, our special chatting, and snuggling. Now as he is becoming a stronger reader those times, for him are less needed.  Yesterday we switched from special reading time with mommy to painting time. I am going to love this. 

I could begin to list the next four children and the kind of special times we have, which I cherish deeply as a mother.  These special times as they each get older become less about time with me, and more about how they are experiencing the world. I told my husband last night through tears of how our mornings are now about breakfast, shoes, backpacks, lunches made and out the door.  They use to be more one on one dialogues as I tied that shoe and helped with all these morning rituals, but they learn, and they grow and they embrace the confidence in doing it all on their own. That is the heart and desire of every parent.  And truly smile to see them growing so responsible and capable to do simple things as get out the door on time, having covered the important task of each morning.
 
This next fall, which seems so distant and yet so close has me teetering on a ground that is unfamiliar to me. A first for me.  David scooped up Emerson last night and said "Emerson in three months you are going to school."  In three months I will have 40 extra hours a week to figure out this unsteady ground I am on.  When Elliot and Emily went off to school I was running a very large business.  I had a purpose, I had a schedule and I loved it. It was up every morning getting the kids off to school, from school going into work and doing something I loved and was good at, and then the timer going off at 2:30pm ever afternoon, my manager stepping into my place to assist with a customer, as I ran out the door to pick up the kids from school. Home with my children directing sports, homework, dinner hour, bedtimes, and then into my home office to finish up the days work which would have come over the fax from my manager.  I had something to do, while the kids were in school. I had something to do in the evenings after they had gone to bed.




This may sound silly to many, but the reality is this. I have nothing to do. I cried last night telling my husband this.  He is a good man. I am sure he wanted to laugh at this silly weepy wife. And I know that later we will both chuckle over this, but I am truly on "unsteady" ground.  Through my tears last night I told my husband just that.  I don't want to be the kind of stay home mom that rattles around an empty house polishing the silver, which I don't have anyway.





I am well aware that I am not the first person to go through this stage of unsteady ground. I know that as the weeks begin to unfold God is going to show me what this next season will bring and I am confident in that, but for now I am basking in the unsteady ground and exploring the simple things that this fall will bring.


For those of you, reading, and have gone before me, how are you using your time?  What kind of things have you discovered about yourself and what wisdom can you impart to this gal who is moving unsteadily.  

Jeremiah 29:11-13

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 

I truly know God has the best plans for me, and in seeking Him he will reveal to me, giving me that hope and steady ground.