Writing about another life I once had...

It is very hard to bring my past into this blog. It's a huge part of my life I can't be real about and yet it's that part of my life that shaped and molded me. It's that part of my life. the better part of 17 years, that God found favor and blesses me today. I can not be open with my heart and I am a very open person.

Last summer I was made aware that my ex husband's wife reads my blog. I don't fault her for that at all. It's a public blog to those who find me. She communicated with one of my kids that I would be dealt with if I did not take something down that I had written. I referred to a part of my "past", not mentioning names, not mentioning dates on the calendar. That specific "past" could have been anyone yet she chose to decide it was my ex and she was wrong it was not. I was careful not to mention names or dates, but it was the event that God had worked in my life. I did not take down the post.

Life happens to us. We all have pasts that have affected us. I write not thinking that an ex's wife will be reading. I often write as God has pressed on my heart something that could benefit another and bring that one person into a better understanding of God's grace, mercy, and amazingness.

I spoke at our ladies event last winter and spoke on a life of hurt and guess what, part of that time in my life was my first marriage. Unfortunately to many of us can write on that one topic. In that first marriage we were both not so nice people. Goodness if we were nice people we'd most likely still be married. In sharing that time of pain in my life I have been blessed to come alongside and encourage others in their walk with Jesus. I have been able to help others put the pieces of a broken marriage together with the hope of staying married. My intentions were never to be in a really hurtful marriage. Nor to bring a shadow onto the character of another. Marriage's don't break down because of one person it takes two.

I am sharing this today because my son listened to the CD of me sharing my story and truly it's a story of God's interventions into my heart. He said that people need to hear this story. And yet, do I pause because one person may not want to know the past of an ex-wife. I don't know the person I was married to almost ten years ago. Perhaps he is prince charming, walking closely with God, and loving another woman like he could never love me. All very good things, but as my heart has prayed this past week I am going to share some things that I have learned and grown from. Will it reference my first marriage? Most likely. Will it be more of my part and how God has shown me how to love and live in a healthy marriage today? I will do my best.

There are many marriages on the edge of separation and divorce. I wish I had someone to hold my hand and help me along, but I did not have that because I posed to have a perfect marriage in public. Behind closed doors that first marriage was very different and if you are hurting in a marriage I want to encourage and come alongside to offer hope that comes with Jesus taking over.

So, if you are reading this and are offended by some of my personal experiences, please know that I do my best to not use names, dates and times and not every bad thing is my past was a result of my ex. My failed marriage is not a result of what he did or did not do. It's about how I failed to know how to handle myself in situations that required me to depend on God. So as I write about another life I once had I pray that those who read will be encouraged.

Fly fly away....

This visit with my oldest has been like no other. Home for his longest stay in three years. Conversations of this being his last real "living" at home. For the last three years it's been a week or two between school, or traveling with a music group. This year he came home, what was to be for four very short months. He came home a young man. No longer this gangly kid wondering how to pass the days of summer. He got a job, start working in a church, teaching, leading worship and home long enough to take a time out to wrestle with his brothers. On his days off he would take all three boys on a day long hike, train ride, run around the city or a local park. He kept in touch, and showed up for dinner parties. Biking has been his means of transportation and what a blessing to think that he would land home for four months. Knowing that this is really the last stop home and from this time after only to be a visitor.

Today he called on his way to a highschool retreat. He's gone for three days helping out. He said he has bad news and good news. A church in Florida would like to hire him and get him in out there ASAP. He called to ask if I would look on his computer to check his schedule of the best day to flight out. Barely anytime to have a going away party. The talk around the table has been that this might be the last time he is home for the next two years if he is working in Florida and going to school full time. I did not get the bad news and asked him what that was. He said that his time home is being cut short. Fly, fly away young man. A mother's heart will always yearn for her children to be close, but never can I step in the way of God's plans for Elliot.

I am blessed that God is going to use his life to teach, challenge, and grow him more in ways that only He knows. It's going to be a whilrwind this next week as we get him packed, going away party and onto a plane. Again I say fly fly away. (On a completely different subject Emerson is right beside me building this huge Lego airplane. If it was built I would take a picture just to add to this post.

The Best DAD of all time!!

I have issues with dads in my life. I have very big hurtful awful issues. One specific things that bothers me and I do try to understand is that when a person has had issues with their earthly fathers and thus lose ground and understanding of our Heavenly Father because of the issues with their earthly father. I am not so sensitive in this area and often listen only, with the inability to offer hope. I think it’s a victim mentality which allows an excuse to stray, stumble, and gives little credit to the relationship, the healing, the love and the compassion God has for our lives. I want to jump out of my skin and say something like….”that is your issue with your dad and for that reason you are robbing yourself of a wonderful relationship with the Father of our hearts?”

I was chatting the other day with a young woman who is missing out on the relationship she can have with our Heavenly Father because she relates Him to her relationship with the severe issues with her dad. Did I mention I have issues? I am going to lay some of these issues out right now.

Dad number one is the one who contributed the DNA. He was a ladies man. As a matter of fact my mother was his second of his six or seven marriages. He dropped in and out of my life twice between the ages of 4-23. He left my mom when I was two years old. One can only hope he was a nice person and had agenda’s that prevented him from seeing me. That is the kind of story a little girls writes in her mind, only to realize later he just did not want to be bothered. That has created some issues over my lifetime.

Dad number two is the step dad. Let me see, emotional, sexual, and physical abuse are all he will have to deal with when he faces God. I was told how ugly and stupid I was on a regular basis. “Hey stupid come here”. One night a bag of snacks spilled all over the kitchen floor. I was taken out of bed from a deep sleep and asked to clean it up. I was not handed a broom or dustpan. I was told to eat every last piece. It was those orange cheetos things. To this day I can not stand the sight of those things. If that was all that ever happened I might not have so many issues, but if you want to know more just ask. That period in my life also created issues on top of the existing issues.

Dad number three is the semi-adoptive dad. I must give him much respect. He is a very Godly man. He has spent the better part of his life working hard and serving in areas that truly have grown people into God’s kingdom. He did his best to do what he could with me. But I had already come with so many issues. Did he intend to add to those issues I am sure the answer is no, but he did. Excusing me from the only loving family I had ever had because I would not play by his rules. Simply give the baby up for adoption or you will no longer be part of the family. I kept the baby and you can guess how that story went. I think this situation created the most confusing issues of all time in my life.

With the dads in my life coming and going and hurting my heart I think I have every right to look into the face of God and scream, yell, and spit if it were lady like. I have every right to relate to our Heavenly Father in ways that keep me from growing closer to Him. I think I have about every excuse in the book to keep me confused over Him in my life. Because the “rules” say its okay to view God in a dis-configured sense because of our earthly father’s failing us. As a matter of fact it would be so much easier if I just bask in this thing called victim because then I really don’t have to change my thinking so much, I don’t have to work at anything but self-pity and and and and…..!!!


I am, everyday of my life, reminded of:

Ephesians 4:31

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as God has forgiven you.”

Ephesians 5:1

“Be imitators of God, therefore as dearly loved children and live a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

God loves us so much as His “dearly loved children”. What purpose to stay deep in the hurts of past fathers in our lives? What harm to our souls and to our hearts to allow the sins of another to take up so much of you heart and be the excuse for being stuck, the excuse for not getting God in your life. Our earthly fathers are not on the field as our Heavenly Father and yet we put Him there as a place of dishonor.

2 Peter 1: 3,4

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.”

There are no disclaimers. I looked. Nothing that says if your earthly father has failed you, then I understand if you can not understand this passage of scripture or even Me, your Heavenly Father. He longs for a relationship with each one of us. Not hindered by the hurts of our past, the hurts of our fathers.

I thought long and hard about this post and realized that my post Father’s Day post is something I wanted to share as a hope for next year’s Father’s Day. We have a Father who has never failed us, never given up on us, given us away, hurt or harmed us. Everyday I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father. In a strange way the failures and hurts of my earthly fathers has been a tremendous blessing in my life. My struggles and issues have given me a deeper and passionate love for the Father who I embrace every day. There are no distractions of the issues created in my life due to the lack of fathering I had, but instead it’s been the cause for great healing, deeper yearning and a real love for my Heavenly Father.

My Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the issues in my life created by the fathers who came along in my life. I do not know their hearts, their intentions or if I was ever truly loved, but this I do know. My heart is not distracted by these issues. I want to run into your arms, hold on, and feel your grasp which pulls me along. I pray for those who are stuck, captured as the victim who is comfortable with being uncomfortable because it’s all they know. Let there be a yearning to know you as the greatest Dad in the world. You are not my number one, two or three dad in my life. You are my only DAD!!!!! LOVES YOU!!!

Three, Two, One LAUNCH!!!

I am a mother to two very different blond children. Gender is the obvious difference. They are both so joyful and so pleasant and so wonderful and so this and so much more of that. This past week they have both LAUNCHED in two different ways. Ways that required bravery. Ways that require an inner confidence.

Let me start with Emerson. Emerson was the surprise fifth child. Rooms already arranged and sleeping arrangements in order Emerson's only known spot to sleep in his entire life is our spacious walk in closet. This has connected him in a way that all the other children will never have known. Late night sleepy chats as mommy and papa go off to bed. Early morning rising with papa chatting away while papa gets ready for work. Always within a soft voice of mama I need you, or mama I have to go potty. Very cozy, and very much not ever being in his own room with a bed. His crib has been his special sleeping spot for the better part of 3 1/2 years. It's a navy blue crib which has now been broken down and put away until that day when grandchildren enter the world. Emerson was not shy about this part of growing up. He said he was scared, just a little. David and I assured him that he is the only one with his very own room accept for Elliot who is visiting. Emerson holds all the power with his two older brothers. When Elliot goes back to school, Ethan will move out and all three boys will have their own rooms, but for the next few weeks Emerson is the envy. He looks like a little baby in his big bed, and his room is large, so he seems so distant even looking in on him at night. He has launched into boyhood with a smile and loves his new space all to himself.

The reason for the room being available to Emerson is that Emily has also launched... into young adulthood. She has taken a room in a darling cottage style home in Portland's coveted Multnomah Village. I always dreamed when my children left home it would be a cozy little community that we could walk to some quaint little cafe. That we did to celebrate her first night away from home, her own address, her own decisions about how her day and how her future will go. I am blessed that she wanted me to come along and help her set up and decorate her room. She has always asked me to do this, but for some reason I thought I was no longer needed.

These are major changes on different levels for these two kids. To see confidence grow in each one of them is one of the unspoken gifts we mommy's get. I am so proud of how brave they both are.

My heart swells to think of the miles we must go to see our little ones growing up and then taking that step past the front porch, or out of the closet of safety onto their own front porch. It's sweet and joyous.

Abstaining for a little While

Why is it I am always blown away by God’s timing of insightful wonders into my life? I mean we are talking about God here. Yet, I will pause with deep emotions at the handiwork in His day of work in my life and into my heart. I think the case is simply that I still wonder why the heck He would even have anything to do with me; after all I am not exactly perfect. Not perfect at all, so in coming into His wonders and glory He always allows my imperfections to be the spring board for my growth.

This last week is no different in how God comes along side in my striving to meet Him. Our church has this thing called SEVEN. Seven days of fasting and praying for the city of Portland. It’s pretty cool. There are early Morning Prayer meetings every single day at the church. Then there’s a lunch hour prayer meeting around different places in the city. I was able to make one of the noon hour prayer meetings this week and was truly blessed to sit in a city park among the tall buildings and lift up Portland in prayer. The fasting part was not something I could do. I prayed that if I were to fast God would remove the fatigue and headaches I typically get with long periods of not eating. If that were removed I would continue. I have five kids living under one roof and a husband who works hard all day. Everyone in this house needs to have the mama doing well with the routines of the day. So after four hours on Sunday I prayed that God would show me my part in participating this week. I prayed about and it and asked for a passage of scripture to claim and meditate on during this process.

I was in church Sunday evening and our pastor spoke on the meaning of a fast. And so I am not fasting this week I am abstaining. I am an abstainer. I was glad to have clarity to exactly what I was able to do. So in my quiet time in the Word I prayed for that one verse that would give me a greater understanding of my call this week.

Duet. 13:4
“It is the Lord your God you want to follow, and Him you must revere. Keep His commandments and obey Him, and serve Him and hold FAST to Him.”

Did you get that? “…hold FAST to Him.” That is the verse that I came upon in this week of SEVEN. So I shall be holding fast (nice sense of humor and play on words) to Him. Is this God’s timing of a week of fasting? I loved this passage so much that I journalled all morning over it’s meaning to my heart and how I could seek to know what I am to do with this verse. I asked myself what it is that gets in my way of serving and holding fast. What is it I could abstain from for a week? What would hinder that grasp? I thought of my mind, spirit and body. And my heart was heavy with these things. Face book, TV, and the need for chocolate every day and how these things affect my time. So in the way that I could I chose to let these things go for SEVEN days and spend that time praying over my husband, children, church leaders, government leaders and the city of Portland.

I was sitting with a young girl in my back yard today. She too is fasting for this week. I was impressed by the sharing of what God is doing in her life through this week. We are new friends so I was trying not to distract her sharing by my need to weep. Weep in way at seeing how God is changing the hope in this young girl’s heart. By some negative circumstances in her life, she was able to share how God is changing her heart to see these times as growth and a greater understanding in growing up just a little more in life and in Jesus. Watching Elliot fast and hearing him faced with an integrity issue. He shared the situation and when choosing whole heartedly to do what is right, God just turned it around and blessed him in the same situation. We chuckled and wondered if God had sent two radical angels to test his faith, and when he passed God sent the sweet little old lady angel to bless him.

There is a super natural power that walks this earth everyday. We get to choose our own path, and we get to choose what we believe. Its God gift to us…free choices. This week in my choosing to draw nearer to Him, to obey, serve, and hold fast I see over and over the blessings in and around me. I will always be blown away by how God meets me every single time when my heart is running towards His grasp and holding close to Him. What I do know is that God is real and in His awesome wonderful way He takes my imperfect life and brings me in a little closer still to His perfectness.

Thanks Lord Jesus that my life is worthy to know You more each day.

Scary Moment at the Mall

I was standing in the pizza line with the boys and Emily in the early evening. Taking a time out from eating at home and meeting up with all five kids for dinner. It's the second time in two weeks we have done this and had become a summer highlight.

I watched a very large man with headphones walk passed our little group. I noticed that something was not quite right with him and then observed an older couple loving on him. I then realized that he had some kind of brain dysfunction and really was not right. We went about our pizza ordering when all of a sudden this man started having a seizer. His very large body losing control. His elderly father trying to hold him up, he was throwing up and losing his bowels. I was about three feet from him and if anything shifted in our direction this man may take out the three boys. I was scared and did not want my boys to see this. I tried to herd them towards Emily away from this scene. The mother was yelling to get him into a chair, but his dead weight kept his dad from being able to move. Eventually he did fall into a chair and I tried to get out the area quickly.

We moved onto Subway and I sat the boys down while I ordered for the rest of the family. The boys had a good vantage point of paramedics and then the questions began. It was all I could do to not start crying, but Ethan knew I was on the corner of tears. He even asked if I was going to cry. I said I am trying not too. I was really scared. I was sad for these parents. I was grateful for my deaf child. I was scared.

Ethan asked what was wrong and we tried to explain that he was born with part of his brain not working right. He wanted to know why all those things were happening to his body and I tried to explain what a seizer is and means. Finally I said "Ethan when you were born your ears did not work right. Your brain works fine. This man's brain does not work right, so these things happen to his body". Ethan got quiet. For about five seconds the entire table was quiet then Ethan said "mommy when he goes to heaven God is going to give him new brain". The words in this blog can not begin to communicate the power of this little boy's words. I started crying, Elliot started crying and we all just had this moment of peace in our hearts. The Holy Spirit is working in the life is this young boy. It was then I felt free to just cry.

My heart ached for these parents, yet the love they showed for him was so amazing and evident. I am still thinking about this and very much moved by how this scene has taught our family in a very real way how blessed we truly are.

TNT

Traubs in Training (TNT)

Yesterday was the first day of homeschooling. Ethan is eager to get started and since we have the entire summer, why give up precious months and wait until fall. Our room is set up with three little work areas and if yesterday is any indication of what school will look like for the summer I am in for some fun and learning.

This may sound a big braggy, but what mother would not be so proud as to say I am five for five. To God be the glory for the level of interest my children have in learning. It's easier if you have kids who are interested and soak up everything you want to teach them. They have always been that way and I am very blessed to have no disorders to speak of. Aside from Ethan being deaf, even he is bright and ahead of his deaf peers.

Traubs In Training was a name that a friend came up with. I threw it out on Facebook for someone to come up with a name for our home school and this was the favorite. Like any good "business" we needed to have our statement. Ethan has asked me every day for almost two weeks if I found a Bible verse for our statement. Our school's tag line so to speak and today I found one.

Daniel 2: 21-22

"He gives wisdom unto the wise, and knowledge to them that know understanding; He revealed the deep and secret things; He knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwelled in him."

This is perfect for young boys in learning and growing and I am so excited for this season of being able to be home and teach my boys. I have scoured the scriptures for a perfect verse and am so blessed that I stumbled over this one. Each month we will memorize a passage. I want to start with the 123rd Psalm, but for now we must learn our school's verse.

Blessings today to all who pass by here.

It is strange to think....

I have been married to my husband long enough to know his reality and his conflict with the supernatural. He gets God in his life, but as he has been known to say on more than one occasion "I am an intellectual on many matters and levels" and for this I love him. He keeps the ground laid, and follows the map. Not always one he's looking at, but he does have a good one between his ears and under his bald spot.

Today we have been talking about some of the changes we will need to be making. I apologize for any kind of mystery in that word..."changes". My previous post said changes are to come and I feel in this case to keep it all to myself for a while. Just pray and know that it's heavy on our hearts. We are chatting away, and sharing our ideas, views, opinions and I tend to be the dreamer with no limitations. David looks at the limitations and then works within those boundaries.

But then we collided in a very real, amazing and fun way. He said "Elizabeth we just can't do that". I smiled. I smiled and I said "David can't is never in my vocabulary. I go before God and say 'this is the desire of my heart' and if the door opens we can walk through, but sometimes we are brought to the door and like a present we are to open it".

David has always stood in amazement of how things seem to come about in our lives. And he would agree that often it is the supernatural, does not make sense, but he can bring order and sense to it because you know he's the intellectual. It is strange to think that anyone would put a boundary on what God is going to do, can do and does do. Yet I understand my husband and he has healthy limitations and fears, often guiding us in a direction that is just perfect for the situation. In this case he is smiling once again because he knows God does want to give us the desires of our hearts. What that looks like we are not sure, but "can't" is our own limitation, not Gods.

I am blessed today by the hope of what God has in store for our lives. Blessings.

Changes

It's so nice when things are cozy, stable, easy and one day flows nicely into the next. Then something changes the scene. It does not matter what it might be but something I am finding and is coming more easily these days is change.

It's like I let go of the sail, the rutter, the boom, the ropes. I am realizing that in the big picture change really does not matter to much. I have always been a go with the flow and add some fun along the way. But secretly I don't like change, I don't like giving in and and giving up.

But then I realize so easily, even surprising myself, how much freedom there is in letting go. These are just some fleeting thoughts this morning. We are around the corner from some big changes. Changes that David has wanted to make for a few months and I was not there. I am there now and together we are working for a better future for our family. In the letting go I see how God just says..."thanks Elizabeth...it took you long enough".

So, as the weeks unfold please pray as we make some major decisions. Decisions which will require a lot from me. What is really cool about letting go of the ropes is that you get to still be in the boat and be carried. Love and Blessings to all.