Thursday, August 27, 2009

Referencing My Past

If you are a reader of my blog, you will note that when I speak of old hurts I will often reference "my past". I am 43 years old. That is 43 years of a past. Where do you fit into my past? Do read and find familiarity in some of the roads you have walked? Do you get angry over thinking, if you have known me or know of me that this just might be you that I speak of?

I wrote this blog: http://elizabethonthego.blogspot.com/2009/04/old-wounds-resurrected.html I wrote it several months ago and received a few comments publicly, but received several emails of how this helped in a situation of healing in another's life. Often I get emails of encouragement and a process of forgiveness and healing in another's life. How can we not talk about our past when God has done so much?

I read recently a post where a woman refers everything to "an old bag" as not to give any hints of who she might be speaking about and the reality is it is most likely not about you, therefore if you see yourself in the "old bag" or "my past" then perhaps God is showing you something that might need to be worked on in your heart.

I am certain that I am the "old bag" somewhere and I take no offense because I want God to challenge me and grow me to be more like Him. Our lives take dramatic turns and twist and sin comes in and destroys relationships. When we can take our "old bag" hat off and examine it and learn from it, we can then share the joy and blessings of how God truly does just step right in.

My past is what it is. I can not change it, and when God swoops into my situation and grows me up more I can share that. When I say "my past" has come back to hurt me, does it mean you, the reader, was part of that story? Does it mean someone who has since passed on? Are you familiar enough with my life that you can make the assumptions and then get angry at me with the assumption of your own hearts?

Why do I post this today? I know there are people who read my blog and get angry with me and have gone to my children stating that I am this or that. Reality is the truth of experience and in my reality of the miserable person I am and can be I can face those realities and only through God's mercy and grace can't help but share to show God is real, His love, grace, and mercy are not just for a select few. If God can come into my life and shines His blessings on me, then He is there for you too.

For those readers who assume that "my past" speaks of them I can only say that perhaps it's not about you and perhaps God is breaking a crack into a wall of healing and forgiveness in your own life.

I have read blogs that I later chose to no longer read. I read this one where there was a huge amount of swear words. The content was actually very brilliant, but when I was done reading the content did not linger, the swear words did. I actually sat one day and counting how many times the "F" word was used and decided this does not edify my heart so I stopped reading. If my blog is not edifying God and growing your passions towards Jesus then please do not read. If you read and see an "old bag" lingering and you think it's you perhaps my can blog be like a moisturizer for that "old bag" skin.

As I sit and chuckle, just a little about "the old bag" I also want to thank so many of you who email me and pour open your hearts, your wounds and are seeking to understand God and His mercy, love and forgiveness. My life is a testament to His healing and growing me up more every day to love, serve and Honor him. I think of 1Timothy 1:15
"It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; among who I am foremost of all"

May your heart and soul be brought into closer proximity as you learn more of who He wants to be in your life. Blessings Dear Friends!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

They Want Me

Last night I was in bed thinking as I do before drifting off to sleep. This is what went through my mind.

They want me to sing with them.
They want me to answer all their questions.
They want me to make cookies with them.
They want me to read to them.
They want to read to me.
They want me to dress them up and then help take the dress up off.
They want me to tell them that what they are wearing looks good or not.
They want to be in my space all the time.
They want help getting things off high shelves.
They want me to get them a drink of water.
They want me to color with them.
They want me to feed them.
They want me to help untangle knots.
They want me to pray with them.
They want me to help them understand why a bus is shaped like that.
They want me to help them understand why a stranger is wearing black shoes today.
They want me to explore a bug, a slug, an ant, a spider, a grasshopper with them.
They want me to hang on the phone as they break open their hearts.
They want me to come to the movie so I might offer to pay.
They want to sit up late at night with friends to talk about everything.
They want me to come along for a late night coffee.
They want me to answer a text just to say so.
They want to snuggle in bed and watch a movie late at night.
They want to know if I am busy and I pretend I am not.
They want me to love what they love and so I do.
They want me to edit and assist because they think I am smarter.
They want me to be there even if I don't know where there is.

I lay in bed thinking all of these things and then tears rolled down my cheeks with the next thought. Is this what God means when He says we are to be like children. Is this what God wants is for us to want Him? I could not stop crying to think what God must feel like when we truly come to Him for everything. I know how wonderful and often exhausting it is to be wanted by my children, but it's beautiful to know that my children want me, their mother. What must our Heavenly Father feel to know that we want to pick Him apart for everything in our lives. I want you God.

Monday, August 24, 2009

GROW

Oh Monday, it's a day just a couple of weeks before school. It is to be the day to start getting our lives back into some structure, some kind of schedule. Practice getting up earlier, getting ourselves moving and start a routine.

So, it began with a bolt of love, which is what I call the boys when they are up at 6:30am wanting to get dressed and get moving with the day. Out of five kids, four are all early morning kind of kids. I have never been an early riser. I think for my adult life, being a mom since I was 21 years old, I basked in the quiet of the evenings when the world was quiet. Those later nights were for catching up on housework, reading, and putting around with just the sounds of a house sleeping.

I am older now and those later nights don't come so easy. I am typically in bed around 9pm, reading just a little or catching up on the news of the day. But even then with an early to bed, I still can't jump with joy at 6:30am. My coffee needs to be brewed and I would like to sit in quiet, but my world is never quiet.

I ran David to catch his bus this morning, and then went to care for a friend's dog with all three boys in tow. They were all chatting with each other with mouths full of muffins they grabbed on the way out. Two of the boys in only their undies. It's kind of cute that they are still just little boys with very little cares of the world.

In the noise of the car, I could take a moment to reflect on the message of church yesterday. I have been rehearsing four words in my head for the last 24 hours. I am not sure what the title of the message was but this is what I landed on. Four words:
Worship, Obedience, Repentance and Grace. Jose Zayas is well equipped to deliver the message of our christian walk. His life as an Evangelist takes him around the world preaching and teaching the gospel and it's a gift when he lands on the stage of our church. He is direct with his delivery of accountability to our calling. Using the Word of God to bring clarity and understanding. These four words are what he spoke on. Are we living out our christian faith in Worship, ongoing, to the most amazing God? Are we mindful of our actions, being obedient to the God of our lives? Are we accountable and able to repent when we have messed up, and also hold our brothers and sisters accountable? And are we extending grace or just judgements to our brothers and sisters when they mess up?

If I were the kind of person who tattooed my body I seriously would mark these four words on the palms of my hands. I need this kind of reminder to be a constant in my thought process, my actions, my words spoken. Am I teaching my children to also do the same? It's a huge responsibility in my life, but at the end of the day I want my life to be as much like Jesus.

So, for a day like today I don't start with structure in the home, I start with structure in my heart to be mindful of Worship, Obedience, Repentance and Grace. Okay now for something cool. If we are to GROW in our walk with Jesus these four words if arranged spell that. Grace, Repentance, Obedience, Worship. Are you GROWing in your walk with Jesus today?

Dear Lord Jesus, You are a holy compassionate God. Your Grace is to be modeled. Help me to be mindful of the way in which I hurt you and others and come to you with a heart of Repentance. I want to be Obedient to your callings in my life and I will Worship you through out all the days of my life.

Take a moment to GROW in your walk with our Lord Jesus!!!!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Downward

Is it to much to find the blessings that God has for us in each day? Is life so weighted down that our lense is foggy and we are not able to get a glimpse of His goodness? I have been working daily to have a focus which is downward. Downward? Well that sounds depressing does it not? Downward for me is a physical act of my head looking down into His Word and also bowing my head in prayer. My lenses become fuzzy with too much looking up and around. And we all are called to stay focused up and around. Goodness, downward looking while driving a car could be disastrous.

The Bible, God’s Word is filled with so many promises of hope that I must take a moment or several moments each day to look down into the Word of God. My focus becomes clear and my heart is less heavy.

This past week I was met with a moment that is what I call a mental fork in the road. One fork leads to a response of the flesh, and the other fork is a response of what Jesus would have me do. Funny that the act of my flesh requires very little thought. The act of doing what Jesus would have me to be is a two point downward act. Not just going to the Bible, but going to Him in prayer.

I excused myself from dinner around dessert time and went to have a good cry. Something I am not ashamed of. A good cry is always good for cleansing a lot of things. I then sat on my bed and said “okay God it’s just you and me”. I have been working my way through the Psalms this past month. This verse was perfect for this moment and I always believe God’s timing in a new passage is perfect timing, I mean we are talking about perfection when speaking of God, so I think the same with His timing.

Psalm 5:12
“You who blesses a righteous man, O Lord. You surround him with favor as with a shield.”

Dear Lord,
My heart wants to delight in You. As I watch campers enjoying this week my heart is so very blessed. I watch David enjoying himself, laughing, relaxing and truly in this moment of my hurt I do not want to rob or be robbed of the blessings you have for me, and for us as a couple. Thank you for the emotional strength you are giving me. Expose only the genuine joy you give me for the rest of our time here. Your word has given me this blessing of hope. Amen!!!

He blesses and He knows the intentions of my heart. Sitting and knowing the blessing and the promise in this one verse. Downward praying and reading and giving me the confidence of His promise, His favor, and His shield around my heart.

I was able to join our group. I walked outside and there between the clouds a rainbow. I thought of all the time and places a promise demonstrated in full color. I knew my husband would be worried and when he saw my face, even he was a little surprised. I was in full favor radiating God’s interventions once again into my heart, mind, and soul. Something very precious I would have missed had I not been physically facing downward.

Big or small God knows it all. He just wants us to come to Him, and there He has the blessings to give. And as the week finished up I truly could see His handiwork as I chose to seek a little more of Him and less of my flesh. It’s not easy, this we all know, but pretty much the actions of my flesh get me into all kinds of trouble so that delay in response, taking time to think, and then choosing that fork in the road that leads me to Him, the cross, and a bit more favor is something to smile over. Downward is really not so bad after all.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Young Life, Washington Family Camp



Me and my handsome husband David on our vacation together at Washington Family Ranch.

If you love a big drop from the sky, a real free fall this swing will get your thrill on. It sure did mine. In reality I did not realize how much I would fear that drop and cried like a baby when it was over.

Communication Hill.  As in walk at your own pace and speed because if you think you will just run up and down think again. I looked up from the bottom and thought a quick jaunt up and down.

My husband and I had what is our first vacation just the two of us since we have been married. Six whole days of just the two of us.  Well the two of us and about six hundred campers.  Since we have never done this before I learned something new about my husband. He has the enthusiasm, energy, and ability to climb every mountain. Each morning he truly had to drag me out of bed to get me on the beautiful hikes that we took around Washington Family Ranch run by Young Life. It seems silly to say "drag" me out of bed, but I run around all week chasing boys around so my idea of vacation, so I thought, was to lounge by the pool, read and well as fun grabbed my heart I looked forward to every morning hiking alongside my husband.

We started in Hood River and the first  picture is of David standing in a park with the little community and then the Columbia River in the background just captures the beauty of our time. We stayed there one night and then took the beautiful high dessert roads into Young Life's Washington Family Ranch where we were adult guests. There was a junior high camp going on called Wyld Life, so we got to experience camp just like the campers. Except our accommodations were that of a five star hotel.

We climbed Communication Hill, which felt more like a mountain. The view from the top shows the camp. I was dying after five minutes into this very steep climb. I was realized about 30 feet from the top that I could go no more, until my dad passed me saying "I better get to the top before Elizabeth." Well having a 76 year old get to the top fuled what energy I had and I made it. The big swings, zip lines, food, and programs were marvelous. 

What a wonderful place to go as guests. Experience a Young Life camp as the kids would experience it. I often wondered if the kids thought..."who are are those old people over there?" But they did not.  We sat in on the energy of hundreds of kids eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner being served by high school kids who come to serve for a month.  Imagine giving up a month of your summer just to work harder than you have ever worked. Yet these kids work, serve, and do all this with a smile. Eating every meal with all these kids. I felt like a kid myself. I felt like I was experiencing camp all over again. David, never as a kid, went to an overnight camp. So in his 50's he was experiencing camp for the very first time. A smile on his face that never faded.

What touched my heart was the experience of sharing an amazing time with my husband and my parents. God is working and coming alongside to renew and restore our hearts. What a special place for this to take place and what an honor to sit back and watch kids hearts transform as they learned about God's purpose for their life. To deepen our own walk with Jesus as we experience the message of His love.  A message that kids heard each night during club.  Yep we grown ups got to be part of that too. All the singing and sillies. Never to old for any of that.  I can not think of a better place to hang out with my husband and my parents and meet so many wonderful people. God is so good and our hearts are refreshed, our bodies are much healthier than when we left and now we get to see that our kids were just fine without us for a week. Big sister took care of them and they have their own fun stories to tell.

What a terrific week!!! Thanks God!!!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Plans

Proverbs 15:22
"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."

Proverbs 15:2
"The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of a fool gushes folly."

Proverbs 15:4
"The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit."

You might ask why I have landed on Psalms 15 today. I ask myself sometimes in my reading for validations in my life. Validations that can only come from God and not of this world. Can God use people for those validations? Of course He can and He does. When it's God's validation there is always peace, not confusion. Not the crushing of one's spirit, not the gushing of folly. As I mentioned in my previous post, last week my spirit was under attach. My spirit crushed and my heart heavy. Praying is soothing to my spirit and soul. I take each days experiences and ask God to show me who to be, what to do, and how to respond to these kinds of things. I receive validation through His Word, and then some who come around and brighten my world. God uses people in my life and I want to be used by Him to come alongside others.

Here then is my question. From whom do we seek council? And if we seek council from a source that another does not agree upon does that mean we have sought out council in a foolish manner?

I have someone very close to my heart. It's my lovely daughter. She will sit down with a plan in her heart. I know she has already prayed over the decision, or the plan. From where my husband and I sit she has extended family. Family that is not necessarily blood related. People that David and I are blessed to know that she will seek out council. Often removing herself from David and from me. There are often plans that might make it difficult for us to be objective so she will seek out those who have lived a lot of life, and every day live out the faith of Christianity. She has many "advisers" and from those whom she trusts she comes away with a common denominator the council is what David and I shared from our own life experiences. It's a blessing to know she is wise in her seeking out the answers to some of life's hardest questions.

This past week has me thinking a lot about decisions and plans and what it feels like when we bring people close into our circle to make some of those decisions. Over eight years ago I was faced with a major decision and went to the one person who I knew from her mothering, from watching her be a Godly wife, and the success she had in her heart. She gave me some very solid council and it was a decision that was not in line with family members. Where does family come in when making sound decisions. When do we trust that they are guiding througgh Biblical principle rather than self serving principles?

I know that when Emily was making a decision to leave an amazing college, and would lose an amazing academic scholarship my self serving heart wanted to council her to stay put in that school. She represented high achievement, success, and in my selfish way some good upbringing for her to have gotten there. My council if self seeking would not have been commended. My council would have been crushing to her spirit, and not wise. I had to take a step back and put aside my selfish goals and dreams for her life.

I like to ask a lot of questions and have always encouraged my children to do the same. One question to ask when reading the Proverbs is simply this...Are my words crushing to one's spirit? Am I gushing folly? I want my tongue to be one of healing, one of that is wise, one that encourages and bring clarity to the heart of another.

Dear Lord Jesus, in the hearts of those you bring into my life, may I seek only Your will, Your plan and reflect on validations and guidance through those whom you have entrusting to the guidance in my own life. You validate my life in You everyday and I am so grateful.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Wash, Rinse and Spin




Do you ever just want to bag the entire bath thing because it's just too hot and you really don't feel like filling a tub, water mess, taking a post to watch kids play and prevent more water mess. Well today I figured out our summer fun and our bath all in one. I am sure many a clever mother has gone before me on this one, but hey it took me until the 5th one to figure this out. Better late than never.

It will require a bath before coming indoors and what a hoot and a holler these boys are having. Pictures are worth a thousand words, but what about a thousand bubbles. It's nearing the end of a busy day. Everyone could use some cooling off in our pool, which is not much except it has our make shift slide. Add some organic bubble bath and you have happy, clean, and tired boys after an hour of this kind of fun. A quick hosing off before coming indoors and boys are beat, hungry, and ready for a less mellow time.

I loved hearing the boys yelling and screaming and pretending that they were in snow. I loved how they tossed bubbles onto a nearby wasp nest that has been keeping us on our toes. I love how they coming sliding down and dunk into the bubbles all the while getting a good washing, a good rinse from mom the hose holder, and then going for another round or in this case spin.

Life is about seizing the moments and this today was one of them. And from now on, as long as the weather allows guess where my boys will be bathing. I wanted to invite all the neighbor kids over for a dip and give all the moms a break from bath time's usual routines, but I think I will stick with rub a dub dub three boys in a pool.