Do you ever have a disproportionate amount of emotion over something that seemed so insignificant? Tonight my dear husband asked every so tenderly..."honey I don't mean to ask this, but could it possibly be a certain time of the month?" I had to chuckle through my tears, because even on my worst day I am not wrought with this much emotion.
We were having a family meeting. It was a good meeting. It was a time to sort out some misunderstandings, defining our ourselves and just good discussion. I love this about our family. We can sit and lay everything out. Kind of like opening up a box of odds and ends, placing everything on the table, and then randomly picking up something to dust off or sort out.
There was an incident that seemed important, yet not earth shattering. Emily said this..."mom, why don't you just tell me". I felt heavy in my chest. I felt fear. I felt so much emotion erupt like a volcano which confused my daughter as to the emotion did not fit the moment. As the tears, and then sobs were released I realized that I was holding on to some very deep hurts in my past. I did not realize this. A relationship that did not allow me to speak so freely. A relationship that shut me down with no freedom to just say what I was feeling. For those of you who know me this may come as a huge surprise. I use to say, long before David, that I was a paradox. I did not know how to act or be in my own home because things went unresolved and I did not know how to just say it, whatever "it" might have been. So I shut down and said nothing, and life would go on as if everything was okay. When it was not.
Since being away from that situation I had not experienced any kind of situation that would bring out such deep emotions until this evening. I love that I am safe with David to just bumble out the words to explain where the emotion was coming from. Bringing clarity to my heart and understanding from my family.
I think God protects our hearts from wounds of the past. I know He knows our hearts and what we can handle. I don't know why, but tonight was the night to bring this area of my life up which had gone unnoticed for so many years. There is such grace and healing. Perhaps, in God's way of protecting He knew that I would not have been able to process or heal from this any time but now.
This verse came to my mind:
Psalm 13: 5 & 6
5. But I have trusted in your loving kindness; My heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6. I will sing to the Lord, Because He has dealt bountifully with me.
I feel at this moment that God chose this time earlier this evening to show me His loving kindess and truly He has dealt bountifully with me. What a joy and blessing to be able to replace our own situations and our lives into the words of the Bible. This is for me, for us and it's there to fill our hearts.
So the box was emptied, we all took notice of it's contents, put everything in order, recycled the box and renewed our hearts. I am blessed by an amazing family.