I stood in a meeting in down town Portland with a client, as we surveyed a warehouse for a fashion event. There were about 2 minutes of that meeting where I thought I might meet my Maker.
I was in a meeting with Emily. We were going over strategies for specific clients when she said, "Mom are you okay, mom! Mom!" Another 2 minutes when I thought I might meet my maker.
I sat in a meeting with a firm I am consulting with. Three men, all eyes on me as I impart wisdom and direction to move a project forward. I burst into tears.
My dear friend sat across from me as we sipped on our summer drinks. She said, "I have never seen you so stressed out." And I laughed and then started crying.
For some, this all my be attributed to being hormonal, or PMS'ing or something like that. Guess what, it's called STRESS!! Those two minutes of thinking I might meet my maker were in fact PANIC attacks.
I have been through a lot in my life. Abandonment, Child Abuse, Divorce, Losing Everything, Having a Strong Willed Child, A Deaf Child, and so on. Nothing ever produced anything more than a few short fits worry, or some tears. I have always managed my stress levels well. Even in the midst of extreme challenge or hardships I sit with God, my Bible and a heart of prayer. Yet this summer produced STRESS that I had no idea was going to effect intake of breath, and outtake of panic and tears.
I sit and ask myself, what God? What's the deal here? You sustain me. Even when I was trying to get through a horrific divorce over 14 years ago, You sustained me. Trying to figure out how to cope with a deaf infant, a brain tumor, death in the family, You sustain me. Why then can I not get myself together? It's only a move. A move only 80 miles East of where I have been for the past 22 years. What a I missing here?
I was sitting out on my sunny deck last week. And two words came to me that produced tears, more than I can remember. "Comfort" & "Peace". Have I been without these two ingredients? Did God begin to break me down? To expose parts of me, that still needed reminders of HIS desires for my life. I wept on my deck for a long time. Looking across the country side at the orchards, as the sun began to set. Comfort and Peace.
As I sit here now I am comforted knowing that life is going to attempt to have it's way with our hearts, our minds, and our process. I hear, so often of how silly it is to bring God into everything. I can't help but bring HIM in. Why? As I have looked back on years of blogging, always God does show up. Brings me comfort and peace just when I think I am not going to make it into the next event, or day.
I am reminded to take one day at a time. Tears are okay. Those precious men, in that meeting who watched me fall apart came to my side with comforting words.
We are all subject to the realities of life. We may not always manage it well. Truly there is comfort and peace when we begin to sit in the holiness of God and his desires for my life. His desire to give comfort and peace in the middle of life and it's challenges. Be blessed in the your process. God has truly shown me in the depths of my heart that sweet and holy place of comfort and peace.