Skype, Skype & Filled Refrigerator

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?" 

"Date long distance. "

"I mean how have you dated successfully long distance?

I started this post last May while Gordon was still  living in another state. Shortly after I started he returned back to Oregon for several months, so our long-distance status ended temporarily. But alas he is back in CA so here it goes....

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I  have been asked the question countless times,"How do you do it? Date long distance?"  I admit I had not really given much thought to the fact that Gordon and I had been dating long-distance successfully.  I do believe there are some key, intentional things that Gordon and I have done. However as a chatty woman trying to create an outline I thought, "why not ask Gordon."  I texted Gordon letting him know I would like to quote his profound wisdom in the success of our long distance relationship. I told him that he has loved and cared for me well. I asked what three things he thinks have contributed to our long distance relationship success. Here is his response.

Dear Readers, I am no relationship expert. I have mentored women for years on matters important to their hearts. With the number one topic being relationships. I think this one single text from Gordon can be a spring board for future success in your relationships, not just long distance. 

Here are some ways that contribute to a successful 

long-distance relationship based on my personal experience. 

I could not agree more with Gordon. I do want to add that before we were long distance we were in the same town for a few months when we first started dating. Prior to dating we had met in another town five years earlier and were friends in that town.  I may have crushed on him five years ago for a hot minute. We had our first real date five years later.   After a month of dating, Gordon asked if I would be his girlfriend. I was not sure how I would be able to do the long distance thing as he would go to a warmer climate during the winter months. We then went six months being long distance.  And I will be the first to admit it is not my first choice.  Here is what I do know.  We are still in this relationship over a year later. And our friendship has deepened through this process.  We are both intentional, which seems to come natural for us.  Here are some tested ideas for your long distance relationship.  

1. SKYPE

I had to giggle that Gordon would say Skype (face-time) as key to our success. It is not like we set up a plan or schedule. It just happened that way for us.  We started each day with face to face time.  Gordon is retired and I work. True Confessions...on most days I got up, brushed my teeth, combed my hair and put some lipstick on. After all we are dating. I always like to look my best in real face to face time. Why not digital face time. 

 What ever app you have available learn how to use your face to face time to start your day. 

Skype chats about the news 

I think I used Skype'd maybe twice in ten years before I met Gordon. I love that we developed the beautiful habit of talking to each other when we first woke up. Gordon is an early riser. He has always been respectful of my sleeping time.  When I would wake up I would text that I was awake, coffee in hand and ready for Skype. Every single morning, not a morning missed. (Which I had no idea we had not missed a morning. I went to my Skype log to see how often a week and it turns out daily.) I loved seeing his face, his smile, his positive energy and hearing his outward process of his plans for the day. Forty-Five minutes to an hour later we are chatting away. On days that I would be out the door early for work, I would set my alarm an hour earlier just to talk with him.  I admit for a gal who loves her sleep this was not easy.  On days that were more leisure he and I would watch the news together , shows, or just hang out. I have even given Gordon step by step cooking instructions in preparing meals via face-time. 

2. SKYPE

Skype, again, really?  Yes again and again as time during the day allowed.  I loved getting a Skype call after Gordon finished is long bike ride, or golf with friends or an outing with friends. I loved that I could share events of my day in the moment as time allowed on both our ends. We shared lunch dates, biking breaks, and even moments with no plan or significant meaning. 

Why is this time important?  When you are building a relationship with someone in real face to face time, you have to be intentional in balancing your life together. Sharing your life with that person, and in doing so you get to know that person.  For both Gordon and I a phone conversation and text here and there was not going to be enough. I have learned more about Gordon in our face to face time and hours and hours of conversations. This is an important relationship. 

Gordon told me that he read this article stating that most married couples spend less than 10 minutes a day in face to face conversation. I thought about that and laughed. I am pretty sure we clock about two hours a day when we are apart. 

We also end our days via Skype. Wrapping up our day together. It takes time, it takes being intention to learn and grow in the relationship.  Having quality time is important for both of us and if you know Gordon, and know me, we both of the gift of gabbing. 

Set realistic expectations of communication together and work together to meet that with each other. 

3. Investing in Monthly Visits

I expressed that I could not go months without seeing him. I knew in my heart that a long distance relationship was not my thing. Bless that man, he invested in bringing me monthly to come see him. It has meant the world to me to be able to take this time and have these visits. Take the time if you can. It was not easy for me. Gordon is retired and I still work. On my weeks home I would work extra hard to be able to take this time away. And to be honest working kept me busy and focused and distracted rather than pining for the man I love. I am in 100% agreement that,  "Absence does make the heart grow fonder."

4. 100% Trust

Every person I have talked to who had long distance relationships said the hardest part of a long distance relationship is trust. It turns out that when I did on online search, many blogs state the same. I get that. I understand that.  I have learned in ALL relationships regardless if near or far if you do not trust your partner then you are with the wrong person. DO NOT MAKE UP STORIES in your head. When they don't text back, or answer your calls in a time frame you have an expectation of. DO NOT MAKE UP STORIES if you do not know their where about at any given moment. 

I reached out to four gals about what ended their long distance relationships.  They ALL expressed TRUST being the single ONE BIG issues that affected their relationships. And when they lost touch, didn't get a text or call back their minds took them down a path of distrust, destruction, and accusations. No! No! No!

Your person has a life away from you.  Gordon has a life away from me. Gordon, like me, is friendly  and kind to everyone. He has a long list of many friends that were there long before I ever stepped into his life.  I trust him.  I am not a slave to my phone. Sometimes we miss each other's calls.  In most cases the trust issues come from damage from previous relationships. Ask yourself where that pang of distrust is coming from. Then do the work to heal that. However projecting that onto your partner will only damage the relationship and turn you into a lunatic driving yourself cray-cray from the stories created in your head. 

Trust the relationship. Trust your person.  And if you learn something unfavorable about your partner through facts then address the issues. I have heard to many stories of the "possible scenarios" or "what if he"  or "I just know he...."  It is easy to get into your head that something is going on away from you. I imagine how hard that is. I have had to overcome some trust issues from my past. However I worked those out with my sister when I was feeling insecure. I could identify where those insecurities came from. From my past. Not from any one experience with Gordon. Find a person to process outward when you are experiencing feelings of distrust that have nothing to do with your partner. 

We live in world that makes it very easy to conceal, hide, and promote distrust. Do not allow your hearts and mind to get sucked into that. 

5. Refrigerator

I literally laughed

If the way to a man's heart is a good meal. Then why not make several meals. I will never forget hearing Gordon tell his brother about the wonderful meal I had made him. And from that day on I learned that this mans loves a good home cooked meal. If good food was a love language it is definitely one of Gordon's. The last day of each monthly visit I would make up about six dishes, some to freeze and some that would last in my absence. I quickly learned that he and I had the same pallet for sauces, and salads and good home cooking. Being a mother of five children I made great efforts for sit down to home cooked meals while my kids were growing up. Yay now a man who loves the same !!!!  Feed your man well. 

In closing I want to thank Gordon for allowing me to share a bit of our personal story. Relationships take being intentional in how you love and care for another person. It's important to learn what the other person wants or needs in a relationship early in the dating experience. Ask questions so you can then serve and care the way your person knows you are in this.   Have a happy & wonderful day.

If you would like to chat, you can reach out to me in a PM via Instragram @elizonthego.