Why Are People Treating Me This Way

Be strong mighty women. Establishing healthy boundaries with people is not always easy. The reality is often we do not even see that we have allowed our personal space and boundaries to walked all over until we are feeling abused and used. We then feel angst towards the other person or the circumstances.

When I was 24 years old I was feeling a bit abused and used. To the point that I decided to meet with a church counselor and ask her questions about my character. This particular woman new me well.  I felt safe to expose my insecurities, my feelings and ask the, "why" questions.


  "Why are people treating me this way?" 
"Why am I the one at fault when a friend is mad because I cannot show up for their event?"  "Why do I have phone messages of someone upset because I did not return a call within a two hour time frame as the caller needed?" 
"Why does this person not contribute when inviting them join a family vacation?" "Why?"


What I did not realize is that I was perpetuating unhealthy boundaries with people. What I had hoped this counselor might say is that I was terrible at choosing friends and the problem was them not me. Instead what she said changed the trajectory of every friendship moving forward. She taught me how to have healthy and acceptable boundaries with people. I laughed when she said something like, "You get to choose how to train the habits people will develop in your life."  She also said something like, "People will always treat you the way you allow them to treat you."

I was raising my young family, running a business and my time was limited. I could not drop what I was doing to run to the side of someone who needed me. My family came first. I had to learn how to communicate that.  My dad said once that, "people like to choose busy people because they appear to get a lot done."  I was busy and often called on for many tasks within my network of friends. I had to be okay saying no. And if the other person walked away upset I had to accept that.

What happened over the next year was new friendships in my life happened. There was a mutual respect in the friendship. I could answer and work through the questions I had. The other interesting thing that happened, and I admit a bit painful, was that I lost friendships. Once I started establishing boundaries those who I allowed to take and take from me could no longer take from me and they went away.

"Why are people treating me this way?" 

Because I allowed it. I did not know how to speak up and feel confident in my voice. I learned how to articulate what my boundaries might be. What my time might look like or might now allow. How were people treating me?  Putting expectations on my time. Getting upset when I could not show up. Because after a long day of running a retail business, and doing homework with the kids, and making a sit down dinner I had nothing left to give .  I learned when accepting invitations to keep the door open by saying, "I'd love to be there, however often my evenings out are dictated by how the day goes at the store, and how my kids homework load looks."   I would let people know the afternoon of......when or if I could attend. By establishing healthy communication up front the expectations and disappointments were gone. And friends changed. And friendships came along with people who understood and valued that my family and my business were a priority.  And that I actually am a very loyal friend. 

"Why am I the one at fault when a friend is mad because I cannot show up for their event?" 

I have always lived in a socially charged world. Being the middle of five kids, having my own five kids, and having the energy of 5 people has served me well. When I met with this counselor and asked her this question she threw her head back and started laughing. I was so confused. And then these words came out of her mouth,
"You are so much fun and bring so much to any party of course your friends will be disappointed."

I looked at her confused. She went on to share a weekend, when she and her husband were guests on a vacation with my family and a few other families. She reminded me how much fun we all had and the countless belly laughs. She reminded me of how I just effortlessly cooked for everyone and never asked for anything.

"Elizabeth, you are a doer and that is you." I share this because there are many of that have the DNA of being a doer and a giver.

People will put expectations on you.  This comes back to establishing boundaries up front. Just this past week wanting so much to come alongside a dear friend. Having to establish that my time is tight and I cannot be or do what she needs. The 24 year old Elizabeth would have shown up or cut the time short and the result would not have been good with this friend.

The next time you are frustrated by anyone who seems to have taken advantage you just remember this....you allowed it.  We can establish healthy boundaries is the sweetest and kindest of ways. If not you are going to be asking yourself, "Why are people treating me this way?"