I journal a lot. I like to write out scripture in my journal. The verse or chapter that is challenging me, holding me accountable to God's call in my life. I often struggle with what should just be my own private thoughts between God and me, and what I am to share here in my blog.
I have just come in from playing outside with the boys. The sunshine is glorious. We went to early service giving us this entire day to enjoy. I loved riding my bike with Ethan. He's old enough now to take that little step into the real world of biking. Today it was a little one, but it's one that is important in learning safety. More so for him, in that with Cochlear Implants he will have some problems with directional sounds. David and I are so blessed with our little dead end street. Only three houses so really no traffic.
After a hearty lunch the boys are now settled in watching a movie before nap times, David is getting ready to go and play golf, and I am up here pondering all the little projects I want to jump into. Which is when I started to journal and visit my verse for the past couple of days. Earlier this week I had a friend ask how I spend time with God. What does that look like for me? I did not have to think long and hard. I actually said that I crave God almost every moment of my day. I have two Bible's on each floor of my home because I like to take moments to read bits and pieces as time allows. It sounds like an oh so holy way, but really it's because I lack so much that I need a shot of Jesus all the time. I have kept an book "My Utmost for His Highest" since I was 15 years old within reach too. I also have a couple of journals that I write in.
Today, this is the verse that has captured my spirit.
Hebrews 12: 14-15
Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.
I love looking back at what God has spoken to my heart through His word, His teaching, and the wisdom of others. This is why I love journaling so much. It gives me a break, a time to sit, write and pursue God in the areas of my heart that need to be worked on. I am a work or a piece of work depending on who you may talk too.
I don't want my blog to be something about what I do each day, but I want my life experiences, my joys, my struggles to be shared in bits and pieces with the prayer and hope that another may be drawn closer to the cross and understand how real God is and wants to be in their life as He is to me. Perhaps that is why I am so honest here.
This week has been particularly hard on me. My responsibilities as a mother. My nature is a peace maker,to serve, to see that everyone is living to their God given potential, to know as their mother what that is so I can encourage and offer the experience to begin to help my children understand what that looks like. It's a hard act of service on my part, but I know for me, as a mother of five it it what I am called to do. Often in the day to day stuff it's pretty thankless and I admit I often will feel bitter. And crazy as it sounds I will actually ask God to help me mask the bitterness, so that my family does not see it, rather than to just pray that the bitterness be removed. I don't want to cause trouble for my family with a mother and wife who is bitter. And I realized on walk yesterday that my bitterness is not really deep seeded, more like moments.
My heart is to pursue peace. It's me and it's genuine. With that peace comes service. It's a huge responsibility on me, because out of five kids you can bet on most days there will be one in the bunch who is having a bad day. So most of my days are not joyful and happy, but it's the pulse I try to create for my home and truly the grumpy one in the crowd stands out. So when does mommy get to be grumpy, get to be selfish, get to be less than peaceful? I have come to understand that pursuing Christ is not a mother thing, it's not an Elizabeth thing. It's what we are called regardless of what walk we are in. This passage does not say something like...pursue peace only with your co-workers or you will get fired, or pursue peace only when the other person is being nice, or pursue peace because it's a bumper sticker. It clearly says "pursue peace with all men." It's something I strive for, trying to move forward with confidence that as a mother, a wife, a friend I am being accountable to what the Bible calls me to do.
So as I journal or blog I can't help but be faithful to God's word, teaching and understanding. I know that I may say being a mother is a thankless job because on most days our young children do not remember to say thanks for the peanut butter sandwich, but as they grow older and we live out God's calling for our life we have the hope of being that example. I pray my life is one that is an example of the pursuit of peace.