Five Tips on Navigating the Sadness & Grief in Your Life

I have learned over the past two years that there are so many different parts of grief. I wrote a post on grief here: https://elizabethonthego.blogspot.com/2017/09/be-still-and-know-that-i-am-god-in-your.html 

When I wrote that I remember thinking that in all my life I had never felt so much pain in my heart. I had felt pain before, but after a few days of dealing and processing life just moved on. Only seven days after I wrote that piece another devastating event happened in my life.  And the pain of that event caused even greater pain to my heart. A pain I never thought was possible. Right now as I write the details, as important as they are, those details are not the message of this blog post. The message is a continuation of overcoming the sadness and grief in your life.

A few months ago I met with a counselor. Asking her how to help my children in navigating some hard family stuff. Her words were wise. She said to remind your children. Remind them of who they are. Remind them that these events are hard, but this is WHO WE ARE. And her words hit me hard. I need to remind myself of the same. I love to write, but in this season I have been paralyzed in my writing. I have felt lost in the events that got me to time and season in my life.

My daughter and I have always gone into situations with this this understanding, "Plan for the worst and expect the best." Seems kind of funny. As a musician it was always a mystery as to what a venue might be like. When she was 18 we were hours before a big music event and we had no sound system. We were cool about it. Because in that situation the worst would have been, no sound system and we had already prepared for the worst. And God stepped in with a beautiful miracle of a sound system. When my children and I make plans we always plan for the worst and expect the best. You know extra food and water bottles on road trips. Extra cash in a secret hiding place if we lose our wallet.

What if you have no idea about what is about to happen and life takes you by surprise. There was no time to plan for the worst and expect the best. Only the worst is happening and continues and no matter how many people pray for you or tell you it will get better you live it daily. No matter how many blog posts you write on grief you are still in in. Your children are living it with you and looking, watching and needing YOU to help navigate. What do you do? You have already checked all the boxes for the different stages of grief and you ran out of boxes to check. How do you wake up and continue every single day?  Here are some ideas on what to do when you don't know what to do. I encourage you to use these tips with your children as you help them navigate through the sadness and grief.

1. Read the Bible
I admit that there are times I am just reading over the words. Nothing sinks in but I keep reading. What does happen is there is a peace that washes over the heartache, the sadness.  Once that peace sets in the words jump off the pages. Filling my heart with clarity and understanding. One day we will know why God allowed such heartache. Keep  your Bible by your bedside so when you have those sleepless nights you are armed and ready for God to pour His word of hope, encouragement, peace and love.

2. Listen to Worship & Praise Music 
I have no idea who the woman is in this picture. What I do know is her face is what I feel in my darkest hours. I put on my headphones. I drive to work every single day with my headphones on. Listening to worship music. Filling my heart and my soul with a fresh start. The sadness is covered and the grief is pushed away for a little while. I keep my headphones and music by my bedside. When thoughts of sadness want to consume me, I consume more music. When I have read the Bible until my eyes are blurry I put on music. My heart begins to sing. Even when the words are heavy on my heart and tears fall I am in worship with God.

3. Get In Your Car and Go Somewhere
I was invited to an evening out. I TOTALLY wanted to just curl up on the sofa and get lost in a movie. A heavy hearts wants to hold you captive. A heavy heart of grief wants to keep  you alone. Have you noticed that?  No one to ask you questions. No one is checking in on you. Because the story is still the same sad story. But listen to me. Get in your car and go somewhere. I did not want to go. I threw on some lip gloss, brushed my hair and wore black. Why black, because no matter how messy you may feel black is class and style. You may not feel like class and style but it helps. That night I was with people I love and people who love me. And it was a wonderful evening. I took a selfie that night to remind myself that no matter how much grief and sadness I feel I am going to make myself get in my car and go.

 4. Social Media is A Good Thing
Tell your story. Social Media is a good thing. Your story matters. Your story could be the story that helps another person in their journey. You can tell your story without going into the details. My story is a messy one. And the enemy of lies, deceit, and destruction would like to keep you alone and in the dark. That is when the enemy can destroy your soul. Get out of the dark and stand in the middle of the ring. There are millions of books published with a story. Why do we read these stories? Because there is a beautiful thing that happens when you realize another story. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You can paint a very pretty story on social media. It's easy to post just the pretty, the happy, and the highlights. But is that your real story.  I have posted my journey. And there have been those trying to discredit and destroy my character who have tried to use those stories to hurt me. But God is in the house and what HE is doing in my life is bigger than my story. My story has reached out to others who have contacted me, and I can help encourage. Social Media is a good thing.  It's in a very strong way, your own self publishing without the hardcover and numbered pages.

5. Talk To Your Friends, Your Family, Your Community
I love this picture with my nephew Spenser. He is full of energy and joy. No matter what is going on in life, he can make you laugh. Hanging out with my kids, and even if it feels sad or hard just DO IT!!  You will never regret showing. And everytime you do, you will be reminded of who you are long before all the sadness. People you know and love know you. Talk to your friends, your family, your community.

I am blessed to have both a daughter and daughter-in-love who have carried my heart there and back and there and back again. Even with the lingering thoughts we all have of this sad season we find JOY. We live out that joy when we are together.  We live out that joy because we know that God allows this for a bigger reason. Even when we do not have the answers. These girls have made sure to love me hard.

My brother and sister always make me smile. I love when my sister says, "you look good."  You look good. And if I am a reflection of her in my life, then yes I do look good.

My oldest Elliot is a strong leader in our family. He has made sure that I have not forgotten who I am. His text messages, always loving and sharing the mom I am to him and to his siblings. This is what you get when you

These boys, oh my oh my. They will keep me from going to bed and pulling the blankets over my head. And if I do, they bring me coffee, and hug me and love me as I am.

I write today from a place of still grieving. Yet I also write from a place of healing and helping. Healing comes. It really does. It has come through these five tips. I write from a heart of experience, not just good ideas. God knows all of this. I know that someday soon God will give the reasons for all of this, but in the meantime I submit to you to keep moving forward and if you are at a loss, them simple read this five tips. Try them for a week and I promise you will be blessed.

Be still and Know That I am God in YOUR Grief

Today one of the biggest hurricanes reported is hitting Florida. Hurricane Irma is reeking devastation.  I have been following the hashtags on Twitter and Facebook. Reading the stories that we are all able to follow.  It is a storm. There will be many facing loss, grief and devastation.

Yesterday and weeks before Irma was a storm in my heart. Many of us are facing our own storms. Unrelated to rising waters. Unrelated to winds that take off a roof. Storms that affect our lives that many know nothing of.

I posted the following on Facebook yesterday.....

Sometimes in the middle of your storm...

"Be still and know that I am God."

You see my storm has nothing to do with winds, rains, and hurricanes. My storm is facing new realities in mothering. My storm is navigating the hearts of my children as we face new realities for our future. My storm is watching the enemy of deceit, lies, and division affect our family. And when the storms comes in wind, rain and hurricanes, you hunker down for the damage that is pending.

What about the storms in life that affect you and devastate you?  Storms that gave no time for hunkering down and being prepared. How is the tragedy of deceit, the tragedy of lies and the path of evil going to help any one of us hunker down and be ready? Maybe you are facing your hardest of hard. It is unexpected and you have no clue how to hunker down or even navigate it.

I cried a lot yesterday. I looked up "grief" and the stages of grief when there is a loss or tragedy in your life.  If you are close to my circle of friends and reading this, you know my story. The reality is that my story is no different than your story. The details  are not what is important. What is important is how we handle the storms of life.  How do we face the grief? How do we face new realities of everyday life? In asking these very questions of myself this past week I could only come up with this, "Be still and know that I am God."

I thought something was wrong with me because every time someone asked, "How are you doing?" I fall into a heap of tears. I thought something was wrong with me as I look back on the past years and think what I could have done differently?  And then facing family and friends and trying to muster up enough joy to show up for them. To be able to encourage them and give them hope. As the leader of my home that is important. Yet this storm is rocking my internal boat of life. 

And then these words of hope. "Be still and know that I AM God."  

It's very hard to convince anyone that God is really in the middle of our storms. Right there. We tend to think that God should step in and make everything all better. Like His might and power could toss hurricane Irma back out to see sparing Floridians of disaster. Or God could show up in a court room and cast the evils that fill the room out. And yet we watch the storms envelope us and wonder, where the heck is God in any of this.  I know I have cried out to God for months to change the trajectory of this situation. And it appears He has no answers for me and the devastation continues. And all I get from God is to simply "be still". 

There is pain and grief. There are unanswered questions. There are lots of tears.  Today is Sunday. I am home from church. I did not want to face people and answer the same questions over and over. I just wanted to be still. I wanted to sit with a friend over coffee and allow the outward process of grief. She listened, two states over. A phone call of a dear friend who knows my children, knows my heart and knows these days are hard. She asked me hard questions. She allowed me to outward process it all. 

Grief 101-1:  Do not isolate yourself and stop existing. 

I have shown up for my children. I know they are hurting and struggling. I have shown up for work. I have shown up at the dinner table. I have shown up. Even at the grocery store when the smiling checker asks me how I am doing I break down and cry. I am okay with that because I am showing up at the grocery store.  I embrace the memory of who I was before all of this. Generally happy, joy filled, and loving the little things of life. And I have to remind myself every single day that THIS is who I am. And this is a storm that will soon pass. Practice all over again that joy and that happy person.  Accept that a storm has come and God did not leave or abandon you. Because HE has shown up and prepared me long before I knew these days. (That's another blog series coming.) God shows up in people everyday. A coffee invitation later in the week. I wanted to say, "no" but I am not going to isolate myself and stop existing so I said yes. God showed up today by putting ME on the heart of a dear friend to call. God knew what I needed today. I did not want to give another breath to this storm, but grieving requires an outward process. In that outward process we learn more about ourselves, about the storms we are in and how to better navigate. Today this friend was the ears and voice of God. Using her to remind me of who I am. Using her to remind me of the mother I am and using her to pour wisdom and hope. God is a God of hope and wisdom. "Be still and know that I am God."

Grief 101-2: Read blogs and journals on grief. 

I have never experienced this kind of pain in my heart. Like actual physical pain over my chest cavity above my physical heart. My heart hurts. I really thought this cannot be normal. I though I was not handling this storm well.  I have cried tears, not been able to eat, and could not sleep. I thought of the should haves and could have's. Beating myself up. One decision in July 2016 to help a child turned into a storm I was not prepared for. All the nights awake and asking God the why and the how and then one night a blog post. A story and journey of another person's loss and grief. I thought something was wrong with me. Only to read story after story. Then to read medical journals of the stages of grief. I realized that I am actually very normal in my grief process. It felt empowering and it felt very good to know that everything I am experiencing is textbook grief in medical journals. Last night I finally slept solid. Almost 12 hours straight. Read!!!  Learn about what it means to experience grief. Face the grief. And be okay with your grief. And then .......
"Be still and know that I am God."

Grief 101-3: It's hard to let go.

There are important relationships that may have changed during this storm. There are important relationships that you had to let go of. In the middle of your storm decisions are made that you may look back on and regret. I have pleaded with myself to just let go because no one told me to not make important decisions in the middle of such a storm. And it's hard to let go. Love and caring and then changes happening all around you. Accept that it is HARD to let go. I spent the morning texting with my daughter who reminded me of the year I have had. She reminded me of the height of emotions in your hardest days and it's okay. "It will get easier mom." It's hard to think it will get easier, but it will.  And again God's heart on this, "Be still and know that I am God."  

Grief 101-4: Thank God for the people in your life.  

Today is a new day. I am giving myself permission to take one day at a time. Today is the first day in over a year I stayed behind. I did not want to show up today. The people in my life know this. It's okay.  I have people in my life who will accept today. Those same people will pull me into showing up when I can not show up on my own. I have people. Thanking God for ALL the people in my life who have walked with me in the storm and stayed the course with me when I did not know what to do. I have told my family and friends to please accept my combustible tears that come unexpectedly. It is all part of the grief process. I can be with these people any day or time and they love me, even in the storm. These people remind me who I am. Pull me into activities, play cribbage with me, invite me to their homes and allow me to cry and process this grief. They share my tears and my pain and they love my family unconditionally. God is in this. He is using YOU every single day in the way you are caring, loving, praying and allowing our family to walk through this storm. It is through the people God has surrounded me with that I truly can, "Be still and know that I am God." The truest of words EVER.

Grief 101-5: Everyone has a different storm. It's not all about you.

The hardest part about grief and storms is that you feel you are the only one in the world to experience such pains. There is loss, there are storms, there is devastation. Honestly if you met me in person. My hair and make-up may be done. My clothes clean and pressed. My shoes matching my handbag. I am that next person in line at the grocery store who appears to have it together. And it's that thought alone that reminds me that the person next to me may be experiencing really hard stuff, too. One thing I love about being with strangers is I can deflect the conversations away from me and ask questions about them. Never having to share my story again. Remember also that there are good things happening with your friends and family. Do NOT rob them of their joy. This might be a moment where you think, "Be still and know that I am God." More like, just be quiet right now and embrace where the other person is at. 

Grief 101-6: Have much GRACE for people. 

In general people mean well. People want to help you. People are concerned and care. And people will come along with the best of intentions. And in the best of intentions they will do things that make absolutely no sense at all due to the simple fact that we really do not know what we want or need in the middle of a storm. AND in a time when you are broken, grieving, and wading through the storm take joy in knowing that people love and care.  The reality is people mean well and want to help you. Tell people exactly what you need from them. I am guilty of not knowing how to do this. Yet in this storm I have learned to ask. "Be still and know that I am God." Here these words that God is the God of all of this and HE will send people to come alongside to help. 

Grief 101-7: Psalm 51:10 

 "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

I am no Bible scholar but it's pretty clear that God knew there would need to be a renewal. A renew of steadfastness purity of my heart. In the many sleepless nights God met me in scripture and Word. Reminders on a daily basis. Renewing my heart daily back to HIM. Back to His promises,His hope, and His joy. Reset the internal system. Daily!!!  I know God is real. I do not have to ask or read or find Him. He has given me peace through ALL the tears, the messy and the hard. His very name is a calm in the storm.

I read the following passage on the 46th day of reading a Psalm a day. I read... 

Psalm 46:10. I wrote it in my journal and I have read it over and over. And it's the very passage that inspired this blog post.

Psalm 46:10

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

For a girl who is on the go, this passage struck me. I did not know how to pray anymore more words. My tears and broken heart were overwhelming me. I decided to just read out loud a Psalm a day. This passage took hold of my heart.  Today my 13 year old son Eric and I are reading out loud a Psalm a day. We are on chapter 5. We are doing this together after I shared how God spoke to my heart on hard stuff. Eric asked if I could do that with him. And we are doing it together.

Our storms are very hard. Grief is hard. Knowing that there is a God who can carry us through every single storm is the only way I know how to get through this. I pray today that one single person could step into the storm with confidence knowing that God is with you. Be still. Be quiet and allow God to pour into you the hope, wisdom and peace He has in this storm.