Oh To Be A Mom...

What does it take to be a mom?  I use to stress myself before I ever had kids, of thinking what it must be like to be a mom. As a teenager I watched how mom's mothered.  And decided that I could never be a mom. I have a confession.  I made it through all the diapers, late night feedings, broken bones, and sidelines at the games, baking for the events, and homework and reading, and wearing the same t-shirt with spit up, and showing up to a meeting with a beautiful expensive jacket also with spit up. I have five of my closest friends around me for a life time. Two are out of the nest, three will be venturing out in the next 4-10 years and guess what, there is a secret to be being a mother. It may not be your secret, and it may not be what works for you, but God, in his beautiful direction took my crazy childhood of abuse and abandonment and taught me the greatest gift of all. To love my children unconditionally. To smile often, to let the little things go, and to just show up in their lives and love them right where they are at.

To establish from the minute they utter their first words that they matter. To listen to their babbles turn into words, which then turned into opinions and passions different than mine. To show them daily evidence that God is real was easy.  From the minute they could blow on a wish flower, to standing on a chair cutting apples and baking cookies. Talking about the glorious ways God has designed them.   I think parents who believe children should be seen and not heard are wrong. I think parents who believe that their children should respect them, and then in turn show their children no respect are wrong. You have to guide your children and teach them right from wrong. teaching them by your daily examples.  Teach them to respect other people's space and opinions. Teach them through example what kindness and serving others looks like. Let them see your process.  Let them see you struggle, and hurt and come out smiling.  If they never see the way cookies are made, they will take longer in appreciating what others have done for them.

This is a ramble.I realize there is no rhyme or reason to this blog post accept that I have five amazing kids. My boys, all four of them, are not on drugs to alter their God given personalities.  They are boys. They were designed with energy. They have a different learning style. They enjoy school, eat well around our dinner table and are void of all the freedom with technology. They play outside all the time. They are loving and enjoying life. Even as each one passes into being a teenager, the rules, with struggle are established. It's hard and I have cried a thousand times because no matter how much they push you away they show up for dinner, and bring their friends. Because deep down they remember you playing pat-a-cake, and they remember you snuggling them when they are sick, and they remember you giving up your seat so they could see better. They remember you did not walk away when it was hard. They remember that you were there listening to strong opinions and ideas.

And they remember that I did not miss out some important grown up moments with them.   I thank God every single day that I could orchestrate my work life to be present as a stay home mom. My kids think this is true, but they also see me working, and traveling for work and they share in my work load when they are old enough to travel on a plane and be left in a hotel room while I run to a breakfast meeting. They have sat with presidents of companies I have worked with because they added value to my work. Value in that the friendships we have grown into and the ideas and opinions that were valuable at two or three or thirteen are move so as they have grown up around the stories of my work.

Oh to be a mom.  To let go of how of the bad ways you were parented and adopt all that is good produces kids who love life, love school. love being in our family and bringing other in.  When the last one leaves home I will have had kids living in my space for.....are you ready.....38 years....and then it will be time for grandkids. Thanks God that your biggest blessing and joy is mine, too. Our children.

Four Things God Showed Me Concerning Motherhood

Four Things God Showed Me
Concerning Motherhood

“How could I ever be a good mom? How do you even define being a good mom?  How will I know what to do with this baby growing inside me?  I came from so much abuse with words like physical, emotional, sexual.  I came from yelling and screaming and being told I was stupid and ugly and worthless. I have no business having any children, but God I want a lot of children. I want five kids…”

I was very scared to think of raising my first child.  I only had nine months to think about it. I was not the kind of young girl that dreamed of family, a happy home, and lots of kids. I was in college and career bound. I was not sure what I felt about kids, having come from such a tragic upbringing.  That is until I felt those first kicks of a baby growing inside.  As the instincts of motherhood began to work in my heart, I realized that I longed to have many kids and to be a mother that was a good one.  So I prayed, I watched, and I asked lots of questions.

Sitting on a shelf, twenty-five years later, is a framed card.  It is a special card that was given to me at a baby shower for Elliot, my first child, 25 years ago.  With my delivery date just a few weeks away I was given a precious gift. This gift more precious than the amazing stroller, or carseat and all the cute little boy outfits. I was given the Word of God. Spoken from that card and into my desperate desire to be a good mommy and a true mommy heart.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9
 “4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the door rames of your houses and on your gates.”

ONE:  God showed me what mothering would like in this passage.  I had asked for scriptures from Godly woman, on mothering and was given book after book after book on how to parent. I could learn from these books, but more importantly how I desired to have my children know and love God.  So began my journey to live out this passage of scripture.
a. We wake up each morning and thank God for our day.  Around the table while eating breakfast.
b. We listen to the words of the Christian music in the car on the way to school. We talk about the words and how God is in our hearts, our songs, and our thoughts.
c. We pray out loud for the things God puts on our hearts. It’s okay if a young child does not understand what praying should be or not be. Allow them to express what is on their young hearts and encourage them to have conversations with God during the day.  Teach them how to pray for their friends, neighbors, family, and actions.
d. It is okay to be a Jesus Freak kind of mom.  Get silly for Jesus and allow your kids to be silly about Him too.  “Wave To Jesus” A song that Emerson and Ethan made up recently is totally silly and I love it. 
e. Open your Bible and share stories at bedtime and talk about them.  Find a passage that a child can relate to and make it the story of the week.  Allow them to draw pictures and illustrate the story, so they can hold up pictures each night of the story.  I have been reading every night the 23 Psalm to the boys and they have it almost memorized. (memorization was not the objective, reading the story is, but they are learning)
f. Teach your children to Honor the name of Jesus, and teach them the names we call God by.  Ask questions like…”what is a good name to honor God by today?” And then we make references to that name and talk about it some more.
g. We do a lot of writing too.  When a child is disobedient, I will ask God to show me an appropriate scripture for this child to learn from and guess what happens…. They get sentences, copied straight from God’s word. (I was told by a few moms, years ago, that this “tactic” will only cause my kids to resent God, and want nothing to do with Him.  Quite the contrary as I see all my children embracing God with so much passion.  The Holy Spirit can and will work through their young hearts too.
h. When out on a walk, with sun, wind, rain or storms acknowledge His handiwork and ask your kids questions on how they see God, and why he would make this or that. You would be AMAZED at the questions they ask. It is okay if you don’t know the answers because lack of info. allows you dream with your children all the questions we can ask God when we see him face to face.

TWO:  I asked a lovely lady who was a mother to her own four kids, and grandmother to many, if there was one book she would choose to read, aside from the Bible, what would it be.  I was standing in her home, in a sea of books lining her entire library of shelves. Just one book I could pick up and read while I nursed my newborn baby.

“The Blessing” by John Trent and Gary Smalley
“Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love and Acceptance

I held the book in my hand and read the title over and over.  I really did not understand love and acceptance and then I turned the book over to read the back.  The book just about fell apart from it’s previous reader and the attention to the detail’s of this book.  As I read the back cover tears spilled down my cheeks. It read:

“The authors detail the five elements of the blessing
1. Meaningful touch: Having been so terribly abused this was a huge issue for me and I so longed to NOT withhold meaningful touch from my children, for fear I may become those parents who hurt me.
2. A Spoken Message: Words, that could teach me how to love my children.
3. Attaching High Value: I was raised to think I had no value and to feel worthless, now I could learn how to do better than my parents.
4. Picturing a Special Future: At the time I did not know what this meant, but by the time my first child decided what he wanted to be when he grew up I knew just how to respond.  Elliot’s three-year-old little fingers gripped my hands and said…”mama I want to grow up and make sure people know about Jesus.” And we prayed that God would honor his little three-year-old plans.
5. An Active Commitment: Active, not passive. Learning how to be present, showing up in the areas of need for each and every child I have been blessed with.

I did not take this sweet lady’s book. I had to save up some money to buy my own. Then I found the book on a friend's shelf and “borrowed” hers. I sit here today, beside me that book I “borrowed” over 23 years ago.

I now use this book in mentoring young moms and admit this is the only book I have ever read on parenting, cover to cover,  aside from the Bible. I own many good books, but never had time to start and finish. I am sure there are many good books out there, but this one is what grew my heart into motherhood.

THREE:  Praying Without Ceasing and out loud.
a. Pray with your children, even as infants before each time they lay to rest.
b. Pray when you are tired and have nothing left to give or say.
c. Pray when you see them begin to understand the smallest of concepts.
d. Pray before each meal.
e. Pray while they are playing.
f. Pray with your children before they get out of the car and walk into the school.
g. Pray with your child when they are struggling.
h. Pray with your child when you are struggling.
i. Pray words of praise and thanksgiving to this amazing God.
j. Pray just because you can and.
k. Talk to God about everything, and while they are young they will know nothing different than to call unto God with the joys, the sadness, the disappointments and see Him as He is.
  
FOUR:  “Eighty percent consistency  is not that bad.”  I heard that from a popular Christian speaker when Elliot and Emily were little charges in life.  I felt that I was in constant battle, (which I now call constant training) It was darn right exhausting me.  One afternoon  I sat down to have a cup of tea, and again needed to step in with parental authority, but I did not. I sat, and sat, and sat until my tea was gone.  And I did not feel bad at all. I did think that I was slipping as a parental authority.  The toys were not picked up, there was no follow through on my part and I cringed to think that this day I just decided to drink some tea.  The message from this speaker spoke to my heart. It was a message basically saying that if you don’t “get-it” every time, don’t beat yourself up.  And I did not.  I extended grace to my mothering and tried never to let myself fall under that 80% mark.

"May God bless you as mothers pouring into the hearts of your children every single day. It's not an easy task, but I see the rewards every day as I watch my own children experience God, experience answered prayers, experience His grace, and experience His love. If the list above seems daunting start with a few things to develop habits in your behaviors and those habit then become those of your children."  Start with praying out loud and over your children. If you don't know what to pray, open the Bible and read to them out loud.  Blessings and Joy, Elizabeth

Happy Mother's Day

My mother had many fine qualities. As a matter of fact I have often said that the fun, life, silliness and spirit of adventure have come from my mother. We lived in Central Philadelphia. She was a secretary with the Bell company. She had four little girls by the time she was 23 years old. We are all just about 12 1/2 months apart. My father left her with four little girls when the youngest was a newborn. Yet with so much adversity in her life she was a good mother. She loved to dress us up. She loved to get on the train and take us into New York City for all the parades. She loved having people over and we had many dinner parties. She loved us girls and included us in every part of her life. My memory holds that of long walks, the Jersey Shore, much love, many walks in the park and many trips into the city. Here is a picture of all of us girls on a walk in the park. She even dressed us up for walks in the park. We are all standing in birth order. Me being the third. I love that we are all wearing hats. It must have been a Sunday. We always wore hats on Sunday.

This is my mother at about 27 years old. I know life was not easy for her, but she made it work. She hired Miss Elizabeth. A nanny to care for us girls while she took a train into work every day. I have always known where I got my city girl from.

The sad thing is life was not good to her. One wrong decision changed her spirit and her life. She married a man five years younger, whom she met in a bar. She became mentally ill around 30 years. That life went from her eyes, a second husband who was abusive and seemingly destroyed her spirit all together.

I have wonderful memories of my mother before she remarried. I did not ever lose that part of my mother. Even as a young girl, with the curtains drawn dark for weeks, and her inability to get out of bed I always knew that she was a person with good intentions. My step dad did not allow her any money to spend on us girls. We were not his, and he did not feel responsible. So we went without the regular things that kids have. Yet in a bold move, she once took all of us girls on a shopping spree and later she paid dearly for the triumph in clothing her girls was no victory for her heart and head later on. Remember this was a mommy who loved dressing her girls, and now they/us had nothing better than rags handed down from those who felt sorry.

I have been taking a trip down memory lane. I have mentioned this a few times now. Reflecting on my past and realizing the special touches of life that preserve our spirits. I do believe it's God's way of caring for our hearts in a heartless world.

I spent the better part of the last 30 years not knowing this woman. I was put into the state's care as a very young teenager. Pictures tell a different story of my earlier childhood. Janice Ellen (I was to name my next little girl Ellen, but well three boys later that did not happen) died 2006. Life wore her down. She did not know how to fight or care for her family. She was bi-polar and had mental issues that the doctors did not know how to treat. And yet, even as I reflect on many painful years of growing up I know she tired her best. Before she became ill she exposed us to so much. She was never judgemental of others but shared a love and life that people were drawn to. It's truly those earlier years in my life, that she  did her best to make the best. I know I adopted that part of me from her. I have always been one to try to make the best no matter how terrible the situation. It's been said that is a fault of mine. I beg to differ.

Thanks Lord Jesus, for starting my life with a mother who knew how to show love. Who's spirit was one that I would want to be like. For those of you who know me my spirit of adventure, my silliness, my strong opinions...yep they came from a mother who allowed those opinions and encouraged the rest. May your soul rest in a place more beautiful than I can know right now. I know you have met our Savior and there we will get to start over. Happy Mother's Day.