Why Are People Treating Me This Way

Be strong mighty women. Establishing healthy boundaries with people is not always easy. The reality is often we do not even see that we have allowed our personal space and boundaries to walked all over until we are feeling abused and used. We then feel angst towards the other person or the circumstances.

When I was 24 years old I was feeling a bit abused and used. To the point that I decided to meet with a church counselor and ask her questions about my character. This particular woman new me well.  I felt safe to expose my insecurities, my feelings and ask the, "why" questions.


  "Why are people treating me this way?" 
"Why am I the one at fault when a friend is mad because I cannot show up for their event?"  "Why do I have phone messages of someone upset because I did not return a call within a two hour time frame as the caller needed?" 
"Why does this person not contribute when inviting them join a family vacation?" "Why?"


What I did not realize is that I was perpetuating unhealthy boundaries with people. What I had hoped this counselor might say is that I was terrible at choosing friends and the problem was them not me. Instead what she said changed the trajectory of every friendship moving forward. She taught me how to have healthy and acceptable boundaries with people. I laughed when she said something like, "You get to choose how to train the habits people will develop in your life."  She also said something like, "People will always treat you the way you allow them to treat you."

I was raising my young family, running a business and my time was limited. I could not drop what I was doing to run to the side of someone who needed me. My family came first. I had to learn how to communicate that.  My dad said once that, "people like to choose busy people because they appear to get a lot done."  I was busy and often called on for many tasks within my network of friends. I had to be okay saying no. And if the other person walked away upset I had to accept that.

What happened over the next year was new friendships in my life happened. There was a mutual respect in the friendship. I could answer and work through the questions I had. The other interesting thing that happened, and I admit a bit painful, was that I lost friendships. Once I started establishing boundaries those who I allowed to take and take from me could no longer take from me and they went away.

"Why are people treating me this way?" 

Because I allowed it. I did not know how to speak up and feel confident in my voice. I learned how to articulate what my boundaries might be. What my time might look like or might now allow. How were people treating me?  Putting expectations on my time. Getting upset when I could not show up. Because after a long day of running a retail business, and doing homework with the kids, and making a sit down dinner I had nothing left to give .  I learned when accepting invitations to keep the door open by saying, "I'd love to be there, however often my evenings out are dictated by how the day goes at the store, and how my kids homework load looks."   I would let people know the afternoon of......when or if I could attend. By establishing healthy communication up front the expectations and disappointments were gone. And friends changed. And friendships came along with people who understood and valued that my family and my business were a priority.  And that I actually am a very loyal friend. 

"Why am I the one at fault when a friend is mad because I cannot show up for their event?" 

I have always lived in a socially charged world. Being the middle of five kids, having my own five kids, and having the energy of 5 people has served me well. When I met with this counselor and asked her this question she threw her head back and started laughing. I was so confused. And then these words came out of her mouth,
"You are so much fun and bring so much to any party of course your friends will be disappointed."

I looked at her confused. She went on to share a weekend, when she and her husband were guests on a vacation with my family and a few other families. She reminded me how much fun we all had and the countless belly laughs. She reminded me of how I just effortlessly cooked for everyone and never asked for anything.

"Elizabeth, you are a doer and that is you." I share this because there are many of that have the DNA of being a doer and a giver.

People will put expectations on you.  This comes back to establishing boundaries up front. Just this past week wanting so much to come alongside a dear friend. Having to establish that my time is tight and I cannot be or do what she needs. The 24 year old Elizabeth would have shown up or cut the time short and the result would not have been good with this friend.

The next time you are frustrated by anyone who seems to have taken advantage you just remember this....you allowed it.  We can establish healthy boundaries is the sweetest and kindest of ways. If not you are going to be asking yourself, "Why are people treating me this way?"

I Quit

Just Quit!!!

This past week I had the opportunity to hear Bob Goff, author of “Love Does” share some of his story.  He is a dynamic speaker and communicator whose words are still resonating in my heart almost a week later.  My take away from a brilliant message was this simple statement. “I quit”.  Who quits?  Most of us have grown up with equating quitting as failure, or giving up, or not being able to measure up, so why try. Just give up and quit while you are ahead of nothing.

Bob, in his witty and engaging message, laughed and mocked the words, “I quit.”

We have become a people with so much going on that our schedules are packed, our inbox’s are full, our hearts are heavy, and we have more health and mental-health issues in this world than ever before.  Bob, announced that he now quits something every Thursday.  Thursday comes and he quits.  What?  Who knows but it’s his day to quit something.

I loved reading some of the Facebook updates this past week. One person posted on Tuesday. “I quit. Tuesday is my day.”  I have decided that Friday is my day to quit.  What? Who knows, but I too carry a busy schedule and will be happy to find one thing a week to quit.  Guess what I am quitting today?

My calendar has no schedule... all the time in the world.

What does this really mean for me? What am quitting? I am quitting scheduling friends. It's Friday, my quitting day and no friends to schedule again.  With a “busy” schedule what does it mean to my life of adding to many things, dates to a calendar etc? For me it has been a quiet and steady seeping into my life.  A small trickle of tasks, desires, wants, needs, and then one day that trickle looks and appears to be a very busy life and full calendar.  I cringe each time I get a note or message like this. “I wanted to talk with you about this, but you are so busy.”  No, no, no. I am never too busy to have a conversation with a friend, or a coffee, or a pop- in when in the neighborhood. As of today I quit scheduling and my calendar is wide open.

Come sit on my yellow cozy loveseat anytime.

Sunday evening I saw a dear and precious friend that I had not seen in a few months.  We hugged and agreed that we must make some time. Instead of pulling out my calendar and “planning” a specific time, I extended an open invitation to my home.  An invite that simply stated, “Come by anytime. We are always eating around 6pm.  You do not need to call just show up and join us.”  Guess who showed up this past Tuesday?  That dear friend accepted that open invitation and came and enjoyed a jovial meal around the Traub kitchen.  That same day another friend sent me a text message, wanting to borrow our Santa suite, and “schedule” a time to pick it up. No scheduling just come by.  She also joined our family for dinner. To friends around my kitchen, laughing and simply popping in and having some face to face time over a home cooked meal. (thanks to David)

I don’t ever want to communicate that I am too busy or that I don’t have time for people. So guess what I quit. I quit planning time.  I quit. My calendar is open.  If you want to stop by during the dinner hour, not only will you get some good food, as my husband is doing a lot of the cooking these days, but great conversation too.  I quit. I quit scheduling and squeezing people in.  If you want to show up at 10pm and I am in my jammies watching a movie or working late, guess what I am here. And that yellow love seat in my office is comfy and cozy.  I quit scheduling.  Today is Friday and it is now officially I quit day. 

An Extraordinary Friend

It was a year ago this month (Aug. 2011) I sat with an extraordinary dear friend.  Sheri Kaetzel and I sat sipping coffee and unfolding all the mysteries of life as girlfriends will do.  What would be next in this season of motherhood, sending my last child to school?  I am not one to sit and dilly-dally with no plan. I like having a plan, and today there is one brewing. Today, a day in August 2011 sitting in the sunshine, or a coffee shop, or her home, I can’t remember.

“Sheri I am going to start planning a kid’s store.” 

I keep going back to what started my career over 20 years ago.  I love kid’s room design, but business is much different. The economy adds more struggles, and yet parents still want to have special places and spaces for their kids. I processed my desire outward with Sheri.  Told her I would be spending the next year collecting items that have been loved before, in high design fashion for kids.  I would also start collecting new designs and plan to build something. I wanted new and re-purposed kids room furniture and decor. 

I promised my husband that my consulting career would continue, and self-fund this project.  No big loans, no lines of credit, no dipping into our savings.  God has put this desire in my heart, and He will see me through this next year.  Two things happened in the weeks that followed that were kind of weird and quirky, or just a simple act of God orchestrating events into my life.

Sheri called to tell me she had “some things” for me to help get me started on this journey.  Apparently she was one of my customer’s from a store I had over ten years ago. She brought me things from her attic.  Things she had purchased over ten years ago to decorate her own son’s room.  I could not believe what I was seeing. Bags and boxes of lovely loved before décor, from my store of the past.  She contributed those first items into the bins that would be stored in my garage for when that time would come.  

Within a few days of receiving those things, I got calls to work with clients on the building of their businesses. More work than I knew what to do with.  That self-funding project was going to actually build confidence in my husband that God just might be laying out this plan.  Not only was I able to find products that were lovely, but now more work to keep me busy and fund this dream.  It was busy and late nights, more self-education, and sometimes tears as the plans moved forward.  Only thing I was not driving this project.  Things kept unfolding before I realized it was yet another step into the direction of where I wanted to go. 

January 2012 launched the start of a website. More work. More tears, more wondering if this is what I should be doing.  David continued to encourage me to keep pressing forward. Emily believed I had turned into a computer geek. Elliot laughing at this new language of technology his mother was using. There was more learning and self-educating on how to manage and run a website. I finally felt like giving up.  I sat in my dining room begging God to give me direction.  I sent a Social Media guy I had followed on twitter a direct message.  Asking what his fee and time were worth for me to ask my 100 questions.  He responded.  Within a week he and I met. The craziest of connections is that his parents were two lovely Italian folks who poured love into my daughter Emily. I choose randomly some guy out of millions who not only lives practically in my backyard, but his parents know my daughter well. Robert began to give definition to doing business in 2012.  He worked closely with me.  Educating me and challenging me.  I was no easy student, and he told me so.  God’s direction and provisions once again.

One day I received an email from a woman who needed help starting her business in Portland, OR.  She said she saw a status update on Sheri Kaetzel’s Facebook page about my business as a consultant.  After looking at my very generic consulting website she contacted me.  Because I assumed she and Sheri were friends, I also assumed they had talked and Sheri referred me. Note to self, “send Sheri a thank you card for the referral.”.

As I began to work with this new client, I shared with her that she had a gift in her location.  There is so much growth that was happening in the 1-2 year plan, and my desire to have my own store in the next 2 years in this area.  Basically that was all I said about that and my time with her each week was all about building her business and getting her ready to launch her store opening.

A few weeks into this business relationship, she sat me down and said,

 “I need to talk with you.”

It seemed serious.  My first thoughts were that she was getting cold feet about her opening date, or that she was not sure she could do this. Jitters for a store opening in less than two months is often cause for anxiety, so I expected it.  Only she had nothing about anxieties of her store.  She simply said, “I would like to offer this location to you.” She had additional space for a second boutique and additional warehouse space, and parking. All things I would look for in my own store.  I could not believe it. I asked her if this was some kind of “flip” statement.  She assured me that it was not.

I got into my car that afternoon to return back home.  Excited, but also keeping my emotions in check, driving and asking God is this really the right thing I should be doing?  I have a two year plan, and I am only almost a year into my plan.  I called Emily to tell her of the news. David was not available and I had to share with someone, while still keeping it on the “down-low”.  Emily and I talked and soon talk of a desk I had painted eight years ago for the Street of Dreams came up. It was a desk that would look darling in a new little boutique.  I was sad to have sold that desk over 8 years ago, but now dreaming of a boutique longing to have it back.  That night, thinking of furniture I went onto craigslist and found this lovely desk.  The very desk I had painted over 8 years ago, now on craigslist the very day I am dreaming of it.  Is this how God shows Himself?  

Is this a fluke or this God saying, “Elizabeth, you are a designer, and this is how I get your attention. I am here and I know your heart and your desires, no go and open that store. I know your plan is still two years out, but Mine is now.”

David and I sat and talked and worked through the details of me stepping into God’s plan.  With full support and cheer leading from my husband I stepped into this new plan.

Last week, Sheri and I sat downtown having lunch.  I never did write that thank you note to her for her referral.  Over lunch I  simply asked about her relationship with Marcella, my client who made my store location possible.  Sheri went on to tell me that she really does not know her.  That they had a mutual friendship through their church.  I was shocked to learn this. 

“Sheri, you made a status update on Facebook that Marcella saw. I assumed she was one of your friends and you referred me".

"You mean Marcella saw that one update?” said Sheri  

"Sheri you do realize that you are the one God used to set His plan in motion.“

Knowing Marcella as I do now, this is even more profound because she is someone who is hardly on Facebook. Sheri who is notorious for having many status updates during the day, and Marcella being online to see that one update which would change her life and mine.

Sheri and I sat through our lunch embracing how God orchestrates His plan and how she was used from beginning , a year ago, to this week, almost one year later.   God chooses people, He chooses events, in His timing.  Do you see it? Do you get it?  I did not get the full picture until sitting with Sheri over lunch. Together both of us sitting in utter wonderment of God.  He is real and He knows the desires of our hearts.  He uses extraordinary in ordinary. He used people, He is the master of orchestrating our lives if we are obedient to Him. 

If you read my blog you know my heart and desire to be obedient to God’s call in my life. Not some big great thing, but the small every day stuff.  I did not feel I could take on Marcella as a client. Evaluating the work load and the management of my time I did not see this shoe fitting.  God spoke to my heart to work with Marcella.  It did not make sense, and yet in obedience to God I listened.  I have a God who presses into my thoughts and my heart.  

A dear friend who started this journey with me a year ago, is once again used by God.  I cannot for one minute write about an amazing career and now a store. All of this has absolutely no meaning if it’s all about me. It’s all about who God is and how He works the story of our lives, of my life.

God->David->Sheri->Marcella God has placed you in places that are part of His plan. Out of your prompting and obedience He is now working a new story into my life.   Who knows what this next season will bring, but this I know to be true God does gives us the desires of our hearts. Others may not get it, others may not even rejoice with you, but ultimately I rejoice in honoring God as He is and that one day in August of 2011 using an extraordinary friend name Sheri.  Blessings and Joy dear friends, Elizabeth

Mary Alice

There are few people in the world that know the deepest parts of my heart.  Those people are few, and I like it that way.  I trust my heart to break it open and spill out the pieces and those closest will gently pick up the pieces examine them and carefully help me put those pieces back in order.  Mary Alice was one of those people in  my life.

I did not know that I was risking a short friendship when we met almost ten years ago.  She was 82 years old.  When I met her I thought she was in her 60's.  She could scramble around, serving others, cooking up five course meals and kept her home neat as a pin.  She walked a mile everyday, and was fit and healthy.  I thought 89 year olds walked slow, with canes, and said "what that, eh".

She was sitting on a bench just inside the front door of a show home I was decorating. She watched quietly, smiling each time I passed with a load of stuff.  I was deep into decorating the rooms and mentioned to her that I was not to keen on sewing and had sewn all the linens and window treatments for the two rooms I was doing. In her sweet voice she said, "well I sew."  We sat and chatted and I had decided to give her project.  She was so precious that I was not sure what project to give this old lady to sew, but she said it with confidence and I trusted her. This was our very first meeting.  

This one project birthed a friendship that has my heart breaking and rejoicing today.  Mary Alice has passed away.  At 93 years she is now at peace in Heaven. I am rejoicing for where she is, but my heart is breaking that I will no longer be sitting at the end of her counter chatting away.  I will no longer be pouring through her cookbooks and getting tips on cooking. I will no longer sit upstairs in her glider rocker, as she sews and sews and sews.

She spoke wisdom into my heart just by loving me.  Telling me when I should be more firm in raising my teenagers.   She was the one person, so many years ago, that reminded me every time we were together that "that man loves you very much".  David and I had struggles and I could not just throw our personal stuff to the winds of any friendship.  I confided in Mary Alice and she had no ears to hear my complaints and showed me just how to love and  honor my husband.  He and I had been married less than a year when she and I met.. She had no ears to hear my kind of hard, because every one has hard, she just reminded me of that one important thing called love. "that man loves you very much" and that statement followed by ways in which to love and honor my husband.  The wisdom of a woman who was married for over 50 years.  She lost her husband over 25 years ago, and lived out her life serving and loving others. I am sure there are many who could speak the same of Mary Alice.  

When I was 7 months pregnant with Emerson, she invited me to a birthday lunch and gathered many of her church friends.  I laid on her sofa and slept through the entire thing.  I don't remember any of their names and who the gifts were from.  I slept through the lovely lunch she prepared. She knew that having a birthday so close to Christmas meant few parties in my life, so she invited me into a birthday party with strangers.  She had a beautiful heart of service. Rather than wake me up, she covered me with her favorite purple blanket.  When I woke everyone was gone. She just laughed and said I must have need sleep more than a party.

Many hours I sat in her rocking chair. It was placed next to her amazing sewing center.  She sewed, I watched and learned and our conversations would go on for hours.   I have to confess that I had to always "plan" my time with Mary Alice.  I also had to make sure I had not eaten for hours.  Each visit with Mary Alice was well over three hours and always included a large home cooked, baked from scratch meal. One evening, Emily and I had to pop over for something. She knew we were coming. As we walked in the door the smells of good food about knocked us over.  There Emily and I sat, eating our second dinner that night.  She always made something special for me.  She always reminded me that I am serving my family and five children, so when I come to her house she gave me her slippers and wanted me to just rest, and she would serve me. Resting in friendship with this lovely little lady, who loved me no matter what.

I was with her four weeks ago. All day, laying on her couch. She was bundled in her favorite purple throw blanket. Her body week.  She lifted her shirt to show me how skinny she had gotten.  She had just returned from a big trip to visit friends. I helped her unpack her purple suitcases and put them away.  I could tell her time was not going to be much longer.  Several months earlier she was diagnosed with cancer. When she called to tell me last fall, I was shocked, but she laughed and reminded me that she has lived a full life.   I laughed with her and then I cried, because the prognosis was not good and I wanted her in  my life for much longer.


At the end of our time together we hugged for a very long time.   I told her that she had been one of my best friends. This was not news to her as she knew her place in my heart.  I reminded her of how her wisdom helped build the important foundations in my marriage.   I reminded her of just how much I loved her and that my walking out that door might mean not seeing her again, because as the doctors had said at most six month to live and she was into that 5 month forecast.  I hugged her and together we both cried and then we both started laughing. We both had a terrific friendship.  Long phone conversations, long visits, and she showed me how to be strong.

On the day of Emily's high school graduation she called me.  "What can I do for you today, I know you are busy with those boys, and I can cook for the party, anything just let me know. "  I told her that it would mean the world to just have her come, and that 89 year old precious friend came. Now the funny of this night.  I had ordered super sized subways to serve guests for Emily's post graduation party.  Mary Alice took one look, and then said "I am not saying anything, but I could have cooked up the entire spread for you."  She laughed at my subs.  I loved that she could speak her mind and yet never offend me.

I could tell so many wonderful stories of our friendship.  I needed a grandmother, a mom, and a friend in my life. She came, like a sweet angel and covered my heart with love and care.  One phone call to Mary Alice and her wisdom would pour into me.  Sitting through an entire pregnancy, rocking in her chair as she sewed and shared friendship will now be memories.  I have thanked God for bringing Mary Alice into my life for many years now.  I had a precious gift in that friendship and now she sits with our Maker.


Dear Mary Alice,
Thank you for loving me.  For caring for me. For driving me to the dr. when I should have been driving you.  Thank you for teaching me how to be a better wife.  A wife who would love and honor the man who loves me.  You will be missed.  Those long phone conversations of you telling me about your next project, your thoughts on this season's "Dancing with the Stars" and then asking me questions about my life.  We laughed so much.  Rest in Him sweet gal. 

Three Precious Hours

Today I apologized to a young woman. Two years ago, God pressed on my heart to come alongside her. I had an agenda, I had a calendar filled with what I thought was important and so I kept walking.  

Two weeks ago our paths crossed and she shared her heart.  She shared a trauma she and her family experienced two years ago. My eyes filled with tears as she shared. I told her that I would explain the tears later, and allowed her to keep talking.

Today she came to my home and I got to apologize for not being obedient to what God had pressed on my heart two years ealier. It was an important lesson for me to learn. Obedience is God's agenda and not mine. So I get a second chance to come alongside this young beautiful mother of three boys. 

God has me in this place not just for me to impart wisdom, but what He is teaching me in loving on her.  What she is teaching me as she unfold the intimacies of her heart.  

God told me two weeks ago that His agenda included this young woman and her family.  He brought us together once again. This time I was obedient and I begin to see more clearly just how important  obedience is.

I missed two precious years and am blessed today by three precious hours.

Thanks God for not giving up on me, for knowing that this daughter of yours is a work in progress, who needs to be reminded of Your plans, and trusting you when you press in and give me clear directions.