My Birthday Box

Remember the stories of our past, can be stories that have you rolling on the floor with laughter, deep serious conversations, or stories that you wish you did not have in a chapter of your life.  I have been asked, and I have asked the question, "what are some of your fondest memories of Christmas past?"  Given the  dramatics of my childhood one might thing I run for cover when asked this question.  There is one story I like to tell.  In telling it, it reminds me of a  young girl who loved Jesus and trusted.  A young girl that could turn what most would think tragic into a party.  If you know me, you know I love little parties.  When I think of this story, I smile, even now as I write I smile. Did God design me as a party girl, even at the age of nine years old?

It was December 21, 1974.  I woke up to a special day.  No one said Happy Birthday.  My mother was in one of her deep dark depressions.  Days when she did not get out of bed and the curtains closed.  I got dressed and found my favorite shirt. It was easy to find, I had very few.  My older two sisters always ran out the door earlier. I gathered my younger sister and we walked to school.  She said "Happy Birthday" and we walked the four blocks to school.  It was not often that my birthday came on a school day. Typically school was on holiday, and my birthdays would quietly pass, but today was P.A.R.T.Y. day.  Our class Christmas party.

Mrs. Davidson had Barbara Streisand on the record player singing Christmas songs.  The room was decorated and I went to my desk.  Mrs. Davidson came over to me excited, she asked, "Did you give the note to your mom?  Is she going to come  for the party and bring treats to celebrate your birthday?"  I never gave her the note. I did not want her to feel bad that she could not come that day, or any day.  "She is sick today," is all I said and Mrs. Davidson's smile faded.  Mine did not fade. I knew every word of Barbara's Christmas Album.  I found my friends and the party was getting started.  We said the pledge to the flag, and then we were handed out our crafts for the day.  Mrs. Davidson gave us boxes to decorate, this way we could take our boxes home and put something in them for our parents. 

The day went on with merriment and soon it was time for the treats and parents to show up. It was a party like I had never seen. Plates of cookies, cupcakes, candy-canes, chocolates.  I collected all that I could and neatly placed my treats into my box.  There were Christmas pencils, and glitter pens, and even super balls with Christmas sparkle.  All fit tightly into my little box.  Sometime during that day, Mrs. Davidson had me come up and put the birthday hat on me. For five minutes it was my very own party.  Everyone sang Happy Birthday.  The teacher got her paddle and pretended to spank me, and then she hugged me tight.  Poke her fingers into my dimples, like she did almost every single day and told me I was a terrific kid.  I am not sure those were her exact words, but words that made me feel ten feet tall.  A P.A.R.T.Y.

The party did not end there. I carefully carried my box home. I hid it from my sisters and brother.  I gathered some of my stuffed friends in a bag and then went into the field next to our house. It was bitter cold outside, but today, was going to be the first day I remember being responsible for my joy and happiness.  I sat in the field and laid out my stuffed friends and a favorite doll.  I took my decorated box of treats out and served up the treats to my party attenders. I thanked Jesus for loving me and giving me such a wonderful birthday to celebrate.  A nine year old girl, out in the cold enjoying her party.  It brought me so much joy.

When Emily was three years old, her birthday started with all her stuffed friends gathered around a box.  In her room on the floor I collected her favorite animals. I bought little gifts and placed them in the box, and she could wake to the joy of her birthday.  A tradition that started when I was nine years old, a gift to myself when no one really noticed or cared turned into treasures and fun for my own children.

I do not grieve that little nine  year old girl that did not get birthday parties or notice of a special day. Rather I take joy in knowing that Jesus showed up in my life, brought joy to me, and I could see it, even at the age of nine.  Many have situations and circumstances that are hard.  A time of  year when we get asked the questions of Christmas past.  There is joy in this season.  We have to take responsibility for owning that joy and then passing it along.  I did not live in a home that was filled with merriment and cheer. My home was dark that year, no presents under the tree, no Christmas dinner served, yet today I think it's the most memorable because I saw Jesus blessing me in ways that only a nine year old girl would understand on her birthday.  Now a mother of many kids, so far three nine year old kids on my resume of mothering I see that they see Jesus in their lives too.  He is waiting, He is there holding that box of whatever you want to put into it.  Merry Christmas Friends, Love Elizabeth

Christmas Past, Memroy Lane

Emerson missing in action, as he was an early to bed baby.

/Elliot comes home from college break with Eric, then 3 years old.

This year we decided our car was to small for our family and a tree, but we did make it home.

Eric excited by the tree and mommy happy to hold her little man.

And then one year, in 2008 we had a big snow storm and our world was full of fun.

Mama Santa's helper on many if her ELF duties like decorating cookies.

Candle light service with the family

Elliot teaches the boys about candle safety.

The stockings are always hung by the chimney with care.

And dear big brother grabs his sister under the mistletoe.

Mama with her boys, not all made it into the picture.

It was a big snow storm that year.

Bacon Wrapped Smokies

Life is really full of lots of twists and turns. If you have followed my blog you will know that my family life has had many turns and twists. You can read more, which sums it all up right here: http://elizabethonthego.blogspot.com/2008/10/abandonment.html

I value family so deeply. I look at our immediate family and think how God has blessed me. All of my children did not come in the most honorable of ways yet even then, through the grace and severe mercy of God I am blessed with not just an abundance of children but children who are truly lovely in so many ways. I value family so deeply that I can remember at the age of sixteen I began a prayer journey for God to teach me how to love and serve my family without the video’s of a hurtful past brought into my own parenting. Even there through Him, and being in constant prayer God has spared my own children from my past of wounds and hurts from the parenting I received.

Last night I attended a “family” Christmas party of a large family in which I chose to exit out of around the age of 15 years. My step-dad was not such a nice person. Once removed from that home and into the arms of another family I never looked back. I attached the hurts of that family to all extended family. Also at that time I did exit from everyday life of my natural mother and step-dad. Think about it, if the state has removed me from this home it must have been pretty bad and it was. Why would I revisit these hurts if God had now blessed me with the love and care of another family? Sadly as years would pass I would soon lose the day to day interactions with that second family. This time not my choices, but theirs in that I had chosen a path in my life that was not acceptable.

For years my life became very full with my immediate family and having no real family left me realizing my role to establish life long security in our family unit. I married David, my second husband who embraced those deep family values of security, love, kindness and truly I can say we are a match made in Heaven. David loves to be involved in all aspects of running a household together. He will spend a Saturday baking, while I decorate. He will take the time to unroll lights and allow an eager seven year old to jump in to help. I embrace our family and everyday thank God for the blessings of trusting me with five little sillies as I often call them.

Going back to last night’s party, left me with a lot of thinking in the last few hours. This is the family of my past. The family that, as I child believed they sat back and watched the hurt among the children under their brother’s care, my step-dad. As I walked into this party of a very large family, five aunts, two uncles, and my cousins, I realized in one evening how I carried the hurts of this past for over 25 years. I did not know it. I realized in one evening how I have robbed myself and my children the blessing of knowing these wonderful people. I got in the car and called David who was not able to attend in that he was fighting the same chest cold I have battled. I talked the entire way home. As pulled into our drive I was laughing realize I could not say enough about this family of my past.

Seeing all my cousins that I grew up with camping, running around all day on farms, climbing apple trees, many family gatherings at the coast, the holidays, a family that I had written off as just like the step-dad. I learned that they all really did not know the details of what happened in “that house”. I watched as each person at this party embraced my children. There were so many who wanted to know the details of my life and then my cousins who had grown up just like me, with lovely families of their own.

I can honestly say that I did not realize the hurts that I carried from that part of my life. I was invited to this party and felt not an ounce of anxiety, yet wondered what it might be like to step back into this past that has been long buried.

I wrote on my facebook comment in the last 24 hours something along the lines of “how sad to hang onto the hurts of the past and thus rob ourselves of the joys of today and our future”. In order for me to have gone to that party I had to speak wisdom into my own life…..sounds silly I know…..but as I drove to this house I prayed that God would give me peace, joy, and love for this family of my past. I left that evening with the blessing of extended family. I left the party with a love for my cousins and their children who did not even wonder where these three extra boys came from. I came away with the blessing of knowing that time does heal, I just hope in other things in my life it’s not 25 years in the making.

I said to David when I came home that it is sad to have not known this family for over 25 years. And in typical male fashion he said “honey it is what it is” and then he asked if they enjoyed his homemade mints.

As you read this I hope this stirs up some of your past. I hope it stirs the things that seemed to be filled with hurts, only to realize that by a little mind reframing can turn out to be beautiful. It is the Christmas season and Jesus came to bring light to a dark world. What is dark in your world and needs to see the light? What broken relationship needs to embrace that baby Jesus who came to save hard hearts, wounds, and a past? I am blessed by the Wiggins family. If any of you are reading this please know one thing, each one of you blessed my heart at this party…right down to the bacon wrapped smokies. Merry Christmas!!

Thoughts on Christmas

When I was a young girl Christmas was a very sad time of year for me.  I often would go into my own little world of celebration.  My birthday comes a few days before and between the two I knew I had to make the best of my situation.  It was not uncommon for my birthday to fall during the classroom Christmas parties. (December 21st).  One year I chose not to eat my cupcake, but to save it.  Later that evening, in my bedroom, I gathered my ragged little dolly and played birthday party. I ate my crumbled cupcake alone.  To this day that was the best birthday party I ever had as a child.

I always knew that when I was a grown up with kids of my own I would do everything I knew how to make their birthdays  and Christmas very special.  So as I sit and ponder last evening, this morning and Christmas's past and I feel very blessed.  I am blessed that our awful pasts do not dictate an awful future.  I am blessed by the Christ child who reminds me of His humble beginnings and still changed the world.  I may not be able to change the world, but through the grace of our Lord Jesus I can change my future for the better and create memories that my children can look back on and say with a smile "remember when".

It's not about the amazing presents, or the dollars spent. It's about taking time (three times this year) to read over Luke 2, to act it out, and rehearse our lines.  To roll over in laughter at the silliness and song added. To watch the videos and laugh even more.  To sit around the table and share our family with others because we are blessed and want to share our blessings with others.  Its that feeling of being safe in each other's space because we share an understanding of the value and importance of our family and all those who join in.

I still go to a quiet place on my birthday. I pray and thank God for my life today, and thank Him for that small voice inside me that can remember where I came from. A crumbled cupcake in my pocket, no presents or even a tree.  I thank God for my imagination as a child to dream about  what Christmas could be like, and looking into the windows of my home today, thankful of that dream being a reality.

I have to give glory where glory is due and that is to God.  My life would be shambles, a mess, and a half and yet here I am in the quiet of my home embracing who Jesus is today.  Seek to know Him, and your life will be changed.  Merry Christmas!!!!