Wednesday, June 3, 2015

The Judgements of Divorce

The judgements of divorce are very harsh from our Christian peers. Truthfully I have had my hand held, my heart comforted and loved in my divorce process by those who choose to NOT follow the Christian faith. A very sad reality to be sharing.

The question was posed to me as to, "How I, a Christian woman, living the best I can from one day to the next as the Bible instructs and being a mentor to many women, explain divorce to my Christian peers. How did you let people know? How do you explain to your children?  How ARE you children doing?"

I lived in a marriage, two marriages actually that were not designed or planned by God.  I can say that getting pregnant within a few short weeks of dating, and then being instructed by your parents to marry that boy, well as nice as we were, we just did not know how to do nice in that marriage.  And because we both had a firm belief in not divorcing we drudged along trying to find our place and never did. The same for marriage number two.

God's word instructs on ever aspect of life and I can be very keen with words and could most likely convince anyone that this is truly God's plan for my life. The truth of the matter is I have no answers. Except the pain of where I was at, living in complete dysfunction of my marriage, was greater than the pain of what I thought anyone would think of me or judge me over. I have been judged. I have been judged by the very same people who live out all kinds of "sin" in their own lives. Yet I would never point that out to them. 

Christians are the best at cherry picking sin in their own lives and finger pointing at others.  It is not God's heart to see divorce.  In both cases, based on just Biblical principle alone, I got that free pass for divorce. The Bible is clear on loving others as we love ourselves.  The same people who judge me, are at conflict with others in their lives.  The Bible is clear on many matters that are over looked and understated yet we focus our energy on what we choose to hold has the sinniest of sins. Divorce and also homosexuality. My brother is gay. Something he feared coming out to me over because I am a Christian. Yet he was willing to forgo his relationship with me to be who he believes is his sexual orientation. I sat at the table one late Spring in Lake Oswego, OR as he took the time to drive up and see me. We had coffee and he told me and I laughed and said I knew all along. Yet I still loved him, and to this day many years later I still love him and we have a fantastic relationship. Because what I do know and start with in my own walk with Jesus, is to love others as God loves me. To live that out in real and tangible space and time. 

I have been judged more over divorce than any one thing in my life. Two divorces, boy have I given people something to talk about. I even got pregnant with a child because someone slipped something in my drink. So now, as one very close person in my life suggested, I also sleep around. Because Christian girls who get something slipped in their drink, must be out slumming.  Rather than asking questions and learning how that story unfolded I was judged and never felt that I needed to explain myself to anyone. Unless that person has taken the time to ask questions and understand my heart.

So dear friend who contacted me today. You are making a very important decision for yourself. You are standing up to what has been wrong. Your children will ALWAYS be confused by it all. Especially if you choose to keep the adult conversations away from them, and you should. Encourage them to love and support their dad. They will have always a very different relationship and that relationship should and will always be important to them. Those who know you, your heart and your courage will stand by you knowing that they have and you have a God bigger than all of this. To answer these questions ". How did you let people know? How do you explain to your children?  How ARE you children doing?"  about my process I will write in a separate post. Cheers and Love, Elizabeth

1 comment:

  1. I appreciated this very much. I agonized over my divorce. Even argued with my pastor about it! (He was trying to explain why it was ok in God's eyes, and I kept beating myself up ). Then I struggled with remarriage, not feeling that it was scriptural. And that same pastor suggested that I not rush into my second --to get to know him a little better. My friends--even my own kids--told me I should just "shack up" rather than marry. Well, of course stubborn me was more worried about being alone for the rest of my life. And here I am--just last night I was lamenting to a girl friend, and my exact words were "no respectable person gets divorced TWICE"! To which she "No respectable person allows herself to remain miserable". So I have been in prayer this morning, trying to ascertain the best way to attempt to get my husband to work with me, while preparing myself for the idea that if he won't , I will need to walk away to preserve my self. This was perfect timing for me to read. Thank you!


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