Thursday, May 28, 2015

Single Mommy Badger of Honor

I am now into my 11th month of being a single mom and giving myself a "Single Mommy Badger of Honor."  It's been really interesting, challenging and quite the ride along with much transition and change. I never let myself "face the reality", but more lived the reality. How do you face what you are living. It's like saying, I am going to look at those jeans and tell you how they look and feel rather than wearing them. I am wearing my life on my sleeve these days. Funny that I would drive by this little badger, never ever having seen one up close and personal. I start writing this and here this little fellow is in the road. God you an amazing sense of humor.
My Badger of Honor is important. No one person will ever know how heavy life was, has been and is, but I am here, I am healthy and I have accomplished some important milestones regardless. Thus that shiny badge in my creative mind is polished and being worn. 

I looked in the mirror this morning and studied my face. I thought of the countless times I cried this year.  And then the MORE times I have laughed.  I thought of Emerson, with me having the slightest sniffle, asking me if I am crying again.  Because sometimes I laugh so hard I am crying.  I think of the boys settling on cereal for dinner after I have worked all day. I think of my messy house, because I have yet to find a house keeper who wants to drive 30 minutes to the middle of farmland.  Here is a newsflash....there is toothpaste in my sink, piles of laundry and I have not mopped my floors once.  Looking in the mirror I just smiled. I did not look haggard, bitter or old.  I just looked like a healthy mom, kissed by the sun, and exactly as I wish to look, happy and content.
I put on a pretty red sun dress and looked again in the mirror. Thinking, that being a single mom, and an older mom to  young boys and I have made it this year. I love how God designed me from the inside out. How at 49 years old, I can still smile and feel confident in my own skin.  This year did not break me.  This year made me stronger. At first when I just typed that I got mad at myself. I do not want to be stronger. I just want to live, breath, and smile. I want to be weak enough that I learn how to ask for help because I am done being "strong" or "stronger". I am not. I am just me. My kids still want to be around me. They have watched the struggle, the tears, and my frustrations.

It is not my mother's heart to have my boys coming from a home divided, but they adapt and you know what they have their own set of struggles and will one day tell their stories.  The biggest gift God has given us this season is a 1910 farm house nestled about 30 minutes out of town. It's dated and old and does not offer the kinds of home comforts I have grown up with.  What it has given me is precious time with my boys. We do lots of driving.  Emerson and I can sing over and over the songs on our 2015 Grammys CD.  Whatever boy who sits in the front gets a front row to deer, turkey's, owls, horses, pheasant, quail, badgers and cows. We spend all that time talking and connecting.  The best conversations have come on these road trips. God knew we would need that time disconnected. Really disconnected as there is little cell service in these parts.

No matter how much you love God, serve and live by the principles laid out in God's Word there is pain in this world.  Choosing to embrace it, live it, and share it is a process of growth, good health and release. It took an adjustment time for all of us. It took making major decisions on my part. Sometimes not making very good ones.  I forgive myself, and as each day passes, there is a hope and JOY. Always joy in those harder times. Maybe God just designed me as a happy and joyful person.  Or perhaps it is HIM in my life that makes this journey so much more joyful.

Today, that silly "Single Mommy Badger of Honor" is also for you. If you are a single mommy, just know that having a sense of humor will get you through to the other side. Cheers, love and JOY~~Elizabeth

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